It's not about the house.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


Today the chimney sweep came and said he couldn't sweep the chimney because it isn't up to code, that it would cost us two and a half grand to bring it up to code, and that whoever swept it last time really didn't, so we're about an inch away from a chimney fire. He advised us to get someone less conscientious than him to go ahead and sweep it, then we can sue them when the house burns down.

Um, are there any other alternatives?

It turns out there are. We can go buy this powder that you put up the flue with a little fire going and it whisks you away to an alternate universe where everything always goes according to plan and there are never any unplanned-for expenses. Oh no wait, that's something I read in a book somewhere or something. This real-world flue powder apparently just loosens up the gunk in the chimney, thereby reducing your chances of a chimney fire by, like, whole tens of percentage points.

The store that sells the magic powder is closed now, so we're going to go buy it first thing tomorrow. Johnny's not working (which is one thing I never thought I'd be thankful for), so when we get the powder he can light the fire and do it straight away. Because we also made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon with a different and, we hope, less ethical chimney sweep (another thing I never imagined would be good). In the meantime we've shut the heat down as low as humanely possible, and I'm about to commence to drinking...

I'm sorry, should I back up a bit? Okay, let's see: Yesterday I discovered that our mortgage payment has gone up by $100 a month. Last week I learned the car needs brakes. Last month we were informed we need a furnace. And, at the very tail end of last year: a new roof.

I just called the bank. They say our balance is the brake job and one month of extra mortgage payment. Maybe two, if I can get away with just the front brakes.

I'll back up farther and explain more some other time. Right now, I've already commenced to commencing and so I'd better go. The last time I commenced while I was on the computer, I spilled beer on the keyboard and haven't been able to type a capital "a" ever since. (I can get one, by letting the computer do it automatically, but it's a big pain in the a...)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the chuckle. Can't wait to hear the rest of the saga!