The Christmas Tree, Part 1: The Stand

Let me tell you about one of the smartest purchases I ever made – actually, probably the smartest purchase that I ever made – which is this Christmas tree stand in the shape of an old-fashioned sled.

The wooden parts are made of actual wood, and the metal parts (including the exactly-trunk-sized vessel where the water goes) are of painted wrought iron. Probably lead paint, but who cares? The thing measures 15”x24” and weighs – I made Johnny stand on the scale with it – just over nineteen pounds.

It has a jabber thing sticking up out of the bottom , so you don’t have to fuss with leaving space below the trunk so it can drink…

… and those one-inch lug nuts on all four sides are like little hands holding your tree steady all month long.

With this stand, a person could put the tree up by her lonesome if she has to (trust me, I have). It never leans as long as the screws are tight (trust me, I know). And once it’s up, you cannot knock it down (just trust me).

All a person has to do is slip the stand over the trunk while the tree lies on the porch (that trunk, by the way, is 5½” in diameter) …

… while keeping out a careful eye for Christmas ghosts:

Jeebers, I hope that one didn’t get inside while the door was open!

Then lift the whole thing up, carry it into the living room, and set it down. A little butter on your hands to get the pitch off, and voilá!

(That tree's smaller than I usually like, but que será. You will notice I put the tree skirt underneath the stand. Don't want to mar up those refinished floors!)

No more swearing, fighting, sweating. No more toppling trees, screws in the floor, or fishing-wire strung from every wall. No more anything, for that matter, associated with putting up the Christmas Tree except for Ho-Ho Harmony and Merry Cheer.

Best. Marital Aid. Ever.

I wish I could tell you where to get your very own, but I got mine almost ten years ago. Whatever third-world orphans had a hand in crafting it are probably long dead by now. And I do know that it was made by third-world orphans because, you see, I paid just fifteen dollars for it.

Saved us probably thousands in couple’s therapy.

Next: Lights!