From The Boston Globe:
Amid higher airfares, fewer flights, and new fees for everything from checked luggage to a window seat, there's a glimmer of good news: Once you buy your ticket, odds are slightly better your plane - and luggage - will arrive on time.
Flights nationwide landed on-time - within 15 minutes of scheduled arrivals - 79 percent of the time in May, according to data released yesterday by the US Department of Transportation. That's an improvement from April's 77.7 percent and from 77.9 percent a year ago in May…
Congratulations, airlines! You’ve increased your performance a statistically-insignificant 1.1%, and all it took to pull it off was cutting your workload by whole fractions! When your kid comes home from school and announces that by dropping half his classes he managed to up his GPA from 2.3 to 2.4, remind me to send a congratulatory wheel of cheese!
But what’s really exciting about this news is imagining the other steaming goodies we can look forward to fishing out of the toilet the economy is in. For instance:
Lost your job? The still-employed get around much faster without your unemployed ass bogging them down!
Can’t afford heat? Fewer fingers and toes means money saved on gloves and pedicures!
Fresh fruits and vegetables out of your league? When the scurvy sets in, it won’t matter that you lost your dental plan!
Gas prices too high? More carbon credits available for Al Gore!
Lifelong dream always just that far out of reach? Keep chasing it, and eventually you'll wind up the hero of a Great American Novel!
And, last but not least…Facing foreclosure?
Tough!
Besides, if worse should come to worst, there's always...
Happy News Tuesday, everybody!
