It's not about the house.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Destructo Saves the Universe

Schmortage, blortgage. Maybe, if you’re VERY good, it will be your Christmas present. Or maybe St. Stephens’ day. But first -- is there anyone out there who remembers this post? Okay.


THREE THINGS DESTRUCTO BROKE AROUND THE ASSVAC LATELY...

1. Washing Machine.

I can’t say for sure I broke it. I mean, it’s not like I’m in the habit of washing pennies or overloading it or anything. Certainly not every time. But it’s only three years old, I own it, and it broke. Sounds like the work of a certain alter-ego to me. I think it must be some sort of fugue state I go into...

I am definitely responsible, however, for the holes ripped in the wall:



I ripped the shelf out before he got here, because he was charging $70 an hour and I thought he'd have to turn the machine around to get at the back. He didn't. And if you want to know why the stack of stockpots lives in the laundry room, you'll have to ask my husband (who also washes sponges).

The good news is that, whether I’m responsible for my actions as her or not, Destructo is apparently not a nefarious Super-Villian, after all! Know how I know? Because nowhere in all the comic books or tv shows, graphic novels or costume-shop parades that pass for film – in none of that is any mention made of the Superhero charging the Villian $200 to put things back to right.

2. Fat Pants

I don’t want to talk about it. It’s been a rough few months, all right? January's coming, and with it, resolutions. I’ll be thin again by Easter, swear to god. Also, Johnny says he's quitting smoking!



Wanna buy it?

3. New Car

Oh, that’s right, you don’t even know about the New Car. Well, I’ll introduce her and name her and write about her sometime after the new year. In the meantime, know that she is the best car we’ve ever owned (in terms of reliability, that is; if we’re talking about sheer love, I will never get over Grampy Jim’s 1980 Chevy Impala), the Inspection Sticker guy raved and said we’d get another 100,000 miles out of her, easily. I can see the physical relief in Dad’s face when he talks about her. And it took me two weeks to cram an entire napkin in the mechanism of my seatbelt.

(Anyone who points out the correlation between fast-food napkins in the New Car and my Destructed Fat Pants has just ordered themselves a knuckle sandwich. It’s been a rough few months! I told you!)

I hate to think how much that’s going to cost me. In the meantime, I’m driving without a seatbelt. Hey, man, Dad needs something to take his mind off all those daily radiation treatments. Destructo and I, we're just trying to help.


TWO THINGS DESTRUCTO DIDN’T BREAK...

1. Cutting Board


(I don't want to hear a peep about the state of my kitchen floor. 
It's been a rough few months, all right?)

Destructo didn’t! Johnny broke it! He lost his grip, he says. It just hit the floor and snapped in two. Then, two days later...

2. Snowman Mug



He says he was reaching for a spoon out of the thing and crash.

AND ONE PREDICTION FOR THE COMING DECADE….

Rampant Destructo-Virus Epidemic Saves Economy!







P.S. Actually, the truth is: the reason I don’t have a picture of the seatbelt-napkin debacle is that I fixed it already. I’m not driving without a seatbelt, Dad, don’t worry. I just thought it worked better for the whole “saving the economy” joke if I pretended it was going to cost me money. But no. I did it by myself. Picked it out with a bamboo skewer. Didn’t charge myself two hundred bucks to do it, either.


P.P.S. And the reason there's no picture of my fat pants is SHUT UP!


P.P.P.S. Villian? I don't know.

5 comments:

Sparkle Plenty said...

1) Dear Destructo, Apparently crime truly does NOT pay...Love, Sparkle (P.S. I would love to see Pork Luck do a picture of you.)
2) They are big-boned pants. At least mine are.
3) Hooray for New Car! (Although I do like the sound of that Impala.)
4) Cutting Board cleaved itself!
5) The tricked-out mugs are always the ones to smash--the plain brown ones will last decades...in the back of the cupboard...perhaps that's the secret to their longevity, actually...

Khurston said...

<>
oh no
the cutting board
i'm so sorry...

ege said...

Oh, no, Khurston -- it wasn't THE cutting board. It was one of the little ones.

Hi, Sparkle!

12ontheinside said...

Destructo at my house is the boyfriend. I can't help but be irritated by it sometimes. (I mean, how can you accidentally put an axe through my swinging chair?)

Hubert said...

Dear Destructo (and Sidekick, henceforth known as Route 66 Owner)

Sorry to hear about your mother.
Glad to see you are breaking things in the world. I recommend breaking the intangibles: wind, sweat and other such unladylike notions.

And Happy Shortest Day of the Year Tide (which was two days ago) and all the best from several people here for both the Scrooge Day Celebration and the End of the Decade celibation.

I know not what I speak of.

As to the Route 66 thing: Johnny had a copy on your genuine vinyl somewhen around 1975.