KeySpam

Guess what came in the mail yesterday?

Letter from Keyspan.

"Dear Erin Ellia,

"Granite countertops [try formica], Italian marble [the only thing Italian in this house is the salad dressing], recessed lighting [so far recessed you can't see it at all], outdoor rooms [the bathroom is outdoors when Johnny's drunk enough]... those are just some of the many home improvements that we all invest in to beautify our home [I'm sorry, are we all living together like the Manson family now?], increase its value and improve its climate [Chuck (TFT) gets only nineteen miles to the gallon -- does that count as "improving its climate"?].

"However, there is one home improvement that many of us overlook [again with the communal "we"]. It's one that not only enhances the market value of your property [bullshit, but I have to give them credit for keeping their its/it's straight], it can also help you gain control over the high cost of energy [oh, so now that we're talking about paying the bills, it isn't all about "us" anymore?].

"And that's upgrading your home to KeySpan natural gas heat.

[What a great idea! Where do I sign up? How long do you think the whole process might take?]

"A new heating system is the only home improvement that you can make and expect to get back your entire investment [this one I don't argue with; I don't know how true it would be if you had an efficient oil burner, but compared to the clunker we had, we expect our new system to pay for itself within the year]. And, new heating equipment can run up to 30% more efficiently than a system that's ten years old or older [ours was only five years old, but every single person who was supposed to service it in those five years, didn't]. So, you'll use less energy every month, and pay for less energy every month [emphasis -- and fifth-grade logic -- theirs].

"KeySpan natural gas heat is the cleanest-burning fuel. Inside your home, that means no puffbacks [huh?], soot or leaks to worry about [um, I'll still worry about the leaks, thank you very much]. Plus, with natural gas heat, you never have to schedule deliveries or maintain supplies [this, honestly, was the biggest seller for me when I decided to change over. I forgot to get a crown for eleven years until the damn tooth fell apart, you think I could keep on top of how much oil I had in the tank?].

"That's why we say that upgrading to KeySpan is more than a smart home improvement, it's also a wise home investment [and a royal pain in the ass].

"To take advantage of the savings you can realize by converting to KeySpan and getting a new, nautral gas heating system, call us today [and we'll give you the run around for six freaking months]. We'll show you how fast [ahem] and easily [AHEM] you can convert your home to natural gas heat [you'll notice how careful "we" were not to talk about the cost].

"If you call by November 30, 2007 [gosh, for a company who can't seem to meet a deadline to save a life, we sure do like giving deadlines, don't we?] you can get new, energy-efficient heating equipment [delivered to your driveway] and save up to $1500 [which, if you don't get it out of the driveway by the deadline we won't give you until after it's delivered, we will charge you anyway]. (That's over and above the energy savings [which we nebulously refuse to quantify].) To find out more about the products we offer, or to take advantage of this promotion, call 1-800-gas-2001 [but not today, because it's Sunday] by November 30, 2007 [there's that deadline, again] and mention code 5277 [and we'll refuse to tell you anything at all]. Or, simply [ha] go to gas2001.com/5277 [you'll notice that this hyperlink here doesn't work, and if you type that address in, you'll find out that the security certificate's invalid. Reassuring, to say the least]

"Sincerely [really?]

"Krista Georges
"Marketing Manager

"P.S. If you need help finding a contractor, we can help you through our Value Plus Installer Program [by which we put you in touch with plumbers who either won't show up, or who will charge you three times as much as the job's supposed to cost]. And, you can also learn to save money and energy, and earn valuable rebates, through our energy-efficiency programs [but this is all we'll ever have to say about that, anywhere].

"[Also, make ten copies of this letter and send them to ten friends within seven days or else seomthing terrible might happen to your house.]"


Gee, thanks KeySpan! I do think I will try me some! Oh, except wait -- this was tucked in to the envelope behind the letter (and this, I paraphrase):

We've been bought. We're not KeySpan anymore. But we had all these old letters lying around and we figured mailing them out was better than throwing them away.

The Continuing Stooory...

Still no word from the Kid.

Today, I got a notice from Keyspan telling me he'd ordered a furnace for me (which they, um, delivered on Friday), and that I would have two weeks to install it once they drop it off (which they, um, did on Friday.

I don't know or else what. Or else they take it back? Or else they charge me more? Or else they program it to self-destruct? Or else they repossess my house and I live happily ever after in an Airstream trailer on the road?

Okay!

Anyway, the last thing I said to the Kid was that Johnny would be home on Tuesday to help him bring it in, but that's no longer true. Johnny did a stupid thing in the swimming pool yesterday afternoon...

Tomorrow I have to take him in to find out if it's broken.

Day 42: With Apologies To The Unicorns

a long time ago (like yesterday)
there was more things going Wrong than you could ever say
i was running around getting f.ed at every turn
and the worstiest of all was the ace of furn
there was mean Keyspan people and Comcast freaks
there was humper bumper traffic and toilet leaks
there was trainsanddrainsandhusbandfights but sure as you’re born
the worstiest of all was the ace of furn

the furnace guy promised he would come and see
he says "stand back, i'll be there at fivethirty"
fivethirty comes and i'm sittinonthecouch
this back can't be no good for my slouch
(Imean)
and you take mean Keyspan people and Comcast freaks
take humper bumper traffic and toilet leaks
take trainsanddrainsandhusbandfights but sure as you’re born
buddy don’t you forget my ace of furn

now Charlie was there and she answered the callin'
she knew about ABZ and she kept me from bawlin'
(wellnotquite)
but i couldn't talk to her till after eight
cuz furnguy's call would no longer wait
hey Chuck i got your mean Keyspan people and Comcast freaks
your humper bumper traffic and toilet leaks
got your trainsanddrainsandhusbandfights but chuck i’m so forlorn
cause i just don't see no ace of furn

i waited till nine through the drivin' rain
but the furnace guy was hidin' playin' silly games
we tried callin' and yellin' but it didn’t do durn
oh that silly ace of furn
then the PAP started PAPpin' and the roof started shakin'
the husband started husbandin' and the floor started bacon
the mice started squeakin' and the cats started purrin'
everything's pissed about the ace of furn
i mean the mean Keyspan people and Comcast freaks
the humper bumper traffic and toilet leaks
I cried "i need sleep, i've got to in-turn"
and i just can't wait for that ace of furn

then the house started movin' and it drifted with the tide
and the furnace guy looked up from his truck and cried
and the water come up and sort of floated him away
thats why you'll never see a furnace guy to this day
you'll see a lot of Keyspan people and a whole mess of freaks
you'll see humper bumper traffic and lots of toilet leaks
you'll see trainsanddrainsandhusbandfights but sure as you’re born
you're never gonna see no
(singitwithme)
aaaaaace
ooooof
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn

This was a request, for those of you who don't read the comments. I couldn't really get the ee formatting in blogger the way I had it in Word, because tabs and extra spaces don't work here, but you get the jist. Thanks, I feel a lot better now...

Day 41: Accomplished (oh it so counts)
Time: All f.ing day.
Cost: Another little piece of my heart (takeit).
Getting To Combine Cummings -- Sorry, cummings -- And Uncle Shelby Instead Of Writing What I Should Be Writing In The Morning Because I've Come To Believe I'm No Good At That Anyway And Someone Should Really Just Give Me A Spatula And A Paper Hat And Be Done With It: Priceless, and a little bit precious (in the obnoxious kind of way).

Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine...

Okay, I don’t know if I can be funny about any of this, but here goes…

Johnny’s not working today (little tiny trauma #1). Since he has the day off, he’s going to go see his doctor because he had a tick on him the other day and the bite has that Lyme-disease look to it (medium-sized trauma #2).

The furnace guy is coming at 5:30 this evening (for me? big huge trauma #3, considering this new furnace guy is our fourth). He told us that he thinks Keyspan has low-income assistance programs for changing over to gas heat. I want to know what the deal is with this before he comes, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to make yet another call to Keyspan to get yet another clipped, two-second answer and hang up feeling like an idiot. I’ve known about this for three weeks and I can’t do it. I just can’t.

So I ask Johnny to do it.

But his dyslexia makes phone books and phone numbers and “press one for this” and “enter the last four digits of that” all really complicated, and when I’m about to begin the process of writing it all down for him I just say “fuck it” and pick up the phone.

After five minutes of “press one for this” and “enter the last four digits of that” – after ten more minutes of some twelve-year-old CSA reading to me exactly what I’m looking at on my computer screen, only backwards, and telling me I’m wrong – after being interrupted three times with wrong answers to the question I still haven’t managed to actually ask – (all of these insults # 4, 5, 6 and 7) – I have an answer.

Keyspan (insult #8) has no low-income assistance programs for changing over to gas heat.

Oh and, as of 6:00, no sign of our 5:30 furnace guy.

Gimme Swelter

I read a thing in the paper the other day where a person was complaining that his landlord wouldn’t do anything about his $300/month heating bill. I snuffed at that and chalked it up to innocence, but then I was reading a book this morning (a very funny book, by the way, which conforms to my rules, called Julie and Julia) and the writer found a $200/month heating bill shocking – in New York, of all places.

So I totted up my season’s-worth of oil payments. I guess I was feeling a little too secure, what with the fact that the furnace has held through the winter after all, and none of us have perished from the chimney fumes.

But as it turned out, actually, it was much less than I’d feared. When you have to get deliveries two times a week there are an awful lot of bills to total up, and the stack itself was enough to send me through conniption fits. The number I came up with, though, was frankly underwhelming.

Ready?

$2448.30

Underwhelming? I don’t know. I thought so at first. But then I started walking backward in my mind…

I didn’t turn on the heat until November 1st, and it’s not yet April. So that’s 150 days we’re talking about. In other words, five hundred bucks a month.

Still, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean, I had a one-room studio back in the ’90s where I paid upwards of $300 for electric baseboard heat. And that was back then, before fuel went all '70s on us. Of course, I’ve long-since realized I was getting screwed on that one, too…

Besides, this was a record-setting mild winter. It was 50 degrees here (in Boston) until mid-January, and probably at least a quarter of the time since then. I've kept the heat set at a moderate 66 when it was very cold outside, and turned it down to 64 at other times. I had to chase Johnny around most evenings trying to pull a sweater over his head, but the automatic thermostat came in handy then – when he’d duck me and crank it up it would unobtrusively crank itself back down.

So. Twenty-five hundred dollars? Yuck.

See, this is why I’ve been trying to get Keyspan on the phone…