KeySpam

Guess what came in the mail yesterday?

Letter from Keyspan.

"Dear Erin Ellia,

"Granite countertops [try formica], Italian marble [the only thing Italian in this house is the salad dressing], recessed lighting [so far recessed you can't see it at all], outdoor rooms [the bathroom is outdoors when Johnny's drunk enough]... those are just some of the many home improvements that we all invest in to beautify our home [I'm sorry, are we all living together like the Manson family now?], increase its value and improve its climate [Chuck (TFT) gets only nineteen miles to the gallon -- does that count as "improving its climate"?].

"However, there is one home improvement that many of us overlook [again with the communal "we"]. It's one that not only enhances the market value of your property [bullshit, but I have to give them credit for keeping their its/it's straight], it can also help you gain control over the high cost of energy [oh, so now that we're talking about paying the bills, it isn't all about "us" anymore?].

"And that's upgrading your home to KeySpan natural gas heat.

[What a great idea! Where do I sign up? How long do you think the whole process might take?]

"A new heating system is the only home improvement that you can make and expect to get back your entire investment [this one I don't argue with; I don't know how true it would be if you had an efficient oil burner, but compared to the clunker we had, we expect our new system to pay for itself within the year]. And, new heating equipment can run up to 30% more efficiently than a system that's ten years old or older [ours was only five years old, but every single person who was supposed to service it in those five years, didn't]. So, you'll use less energy every month, and pay for less energy every month [emphasis -- and fifth-grade logic -- theirs].

"KeySpan natural gas heat is the cleanest-burning fuel. Inside your home, that means no puffbacks [huh?], soot or leaks to worry about [um, I'll still worry about the leaks, thank you very much]. Plus, with natural gas heat, you never have to schedule deliveries or maintain supplies [this, honestly, was the biggest seller for me when I decided to change over. I forgot to get a crown for eleven years until the damn tooth fell apart, you think I could keep on top of how much oil I had in the tank?].

"That's why we say that upgrading to KeySpan is more than a smart home improvement, it's also a wise home investment [and a royal pain in the ass].

"To take advantage of the savings you can realize by converting to KeySpan and getting a new, nautral gas heating system, call us today [and we'll give you the run around for six freaking months]. We'll show you how fast [ahem] and easily [AHEM] you can convert your home to natural gas heat [you'll notice how careful "we" were not to talk about the cost].

"If you call by November 30, 2007 [gosh, for a company who can't seem to meet a deadline to save a life, we sure do like giving deadlines, don't we?] you can get new, energy-efficient heating equipment [delivered to your driveway] and save up to $1500 [which, if you don't get it out of the driveway by the deadline we won't give you until after it's delivered, we will charge you anyway]. (That's over and above the energy savings [which we nebulously refuse to quantify].) To find out more about the products we offer, or to take advantage of this promotion, call 1-800-gas-2001 [but not today, because it's Sunday] by November 30, 2007 [there's that deadline, again] and mention code 5277 [and we'll refuse to tell you anything at all]. Or, simply [ha] go to gas2001.com/5277 [you'll notice that this hyperlink here doesn't work, and if you type that address in, you'll find out that the security certificate's invalid. Reassuring, to say the least]

"Sincerely [really?]

"Krista Georges
"Marketing Manager

"P.S. If you need help finding a contractor, we can help you through our Value Plus Installer Program [by which we put you in touch with plumbers who either won't show up, or who will charge you three times as much as the job's supposed to cost]. And, you can also learn to save money and energy, and earn valuable rebates, through our energy-efficiency programs [but this is all we'll ever have to say about that, anywhere].

"[Also, make ten copies of this letter and send them to ten friends within seven days or else seomthing terrible might happen to your house.]"


Gee, thanks KeySpan! I do think I will try me some! Oh, except wait -- this was tucked in to the envelope behind the letter (and this, I paraphrase):

We've been bought. We're not KeySpan anymore. But we had all these old letters lying around and we figured mailing them out was better than throwing them away.