It's not about the house.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Dateline: New Haven

You folks know I love my husband, yes? For richer, poorer, sickness, health, and all that jazz? So you understand that, when I say I have to kill him, it’s roughly 98% hyperbole? And that, if he should happen to "disappear" in the near future, I never said anything of the sort.

His New Year’s resolution was to give up smoking, see. And, in what I think will stand as the biggest understatement of the week-old decade: it isn’t going well.

Scene: AssVac kitchen, about a week before Quitting Day.

Me: So, um, Honey? If you should happen to fail in this attempt—

Johnny (determined): I won’t.

Me: Okay. Good! But I’m just saying: if you do… will you at least promise not to smoke in the house anymore?

Johnny: grumble mumble piss moan

Me: What?

Johnny: Fine. Okay. Doesn’t matter, ‘cause I’m not going to fail.

Actual time it took Johnny to break his resolution, not counting the time he was asleep: Five hours.

Scene: everywhere, every day since:

Me (raising nose in air and following acrid odor to its little Irish source): Honey? Why are you smoking? And in the house?

Johnny: BECAUSE THAT WAS YOUR STUPID RULE AND I NEVER AGREED TO IT AND YOU’RE ALWAYS MAKING UP YOUR OWN RULES AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene: Dr. One Friend’s house, this weekend.

Me: I’m so glad I came down here this weekend, Dr. One Friend. Otherwise I might have to kill my husband.

Dr. One Friend: Let’s order pizza!


He is trying. Very trying. And he did finally agree not to smoke in the house. He does it on the porch now – the enclosed porch – but at least that’s something. Baby little Irish steps, I always say.

6 comments:

12ontheinside said...

Of course, you'll have to kill us all now, should Johnny ever disappear, because we're all witnesses.

LadyCiani said...

Next baby step: tell him he has to smoke with the porch window open, or go completely outside. In the winter. In the snow. Maybe the boredom and cold will be incentive to quit? If not the money saved on smoking.

Poppo said...

Hmmm,, Remind him that when he is here he goes outside to have a smoke. Maybe he likes me more than you!!!!

Anonymous said...

And down here we say, he just needed killin'

ege said...

12 -- CRAP! Well, for all you know I possess a secret killer blog-post a la "Whatever That Movie Was Called Where If You Watched The Videotape You Died"!

Lady -- Hang on. You're married, I know you are. Do you get to "tell him he has to" do stuff? Man, I want my money back!

Poppo -- Oh, he has ALWAYS liked you more than me!

Anon -- Down where? (I ask so I can start pricing real estate.)

LadyCiani said...

You're right, I don't get to tell him he has to do stuff. There's bribery involved. But I do leave a list for him on occasion, and he usually accomplishes 3 out of 4 things.

Oh, and we did have a giant "discussion" about how when I come home from house sitting I don't want to come home to a house cluttered with piles of "crap" aka the newspaper he couldn't/was too lazy to move 5 feet to put in the recycling box. That was one we didn't have to discuss again.