It's not about the house.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Ways Your House Can Kill You (first in a series)

You aren’t looking where you step and you fall through the rotten floorboards. It’s only crawl space underneath, so it’s not the fall that’s gonna kill you, but you break your leg and wind up stuck, and while you lie there, spiders eat your face.

Step on a nail and get tetanus.

Step on another nail and since the first one didn’t give you tetanus, decide there’s no such thing as tetanus, and get tetanus.

Step on a third nail and decide to stop pressing your luck. So you go get a tetanus shot but forget that the reason you haven’t had one since you were little is you’re allergic to it, and you get anaphylaxis.

When they drop the two by four on your head.

During the gut out you breathe a lot of mold and other gunk but you also smoke a lot, so you don’t so much notice when the bacterial infection takes root in your lungs.

Your new neighbors kick the shit out of you.



The stove explodes but you’re cooking a turkey at the time so you mistake it for one of those mysterious turkey-pops, and then the house burns down.

You blow a fuse with the heat gun stripping paint, and you forget to shut it off when you go down to throw the breaker, and it comes back on while you’re in the basement and lights the scrapings on fire, and then the house burns down.

Your chimney isn’t lined and the stuff that drips from it erodes the mortar, but you’re too stupid not to use the fireplace, so a spark goes through and lights the insulation, and then the house burns down.

The reason the light in the kitchen is off when the switch is up and on when it's down is that the wires are crossed, and one day a spark goes off and lights the insulation, and then the house burns down.

The folks you hire to clean your furnace don’t, and it backs up full of gunk. One day it just explodes, and then the house burns down.

The folks you hire to clean your furnace don’t, and you catch it in time so it doesn’t explode, but you get carbon monoxide poisoning.

You run out of oil in your sleep and wake up frozen to death.

You spend an evening drinking in the attic, visiting with all your stuff you haven’t seen since you moved in, and you pass out up there and spiders eat your face.


Pop said...

LOL, I chuckled and sometimes guffawed!!!! I know how it is with the spiders!!!!!

Charlie said...

The underpants gnomes get mad because you have not made a ritual sacrifice recently and set your pants on fire, which spreads to the house...

Wut said...

The drying dishes you've balanced on the edge on the sink don't stay balanced, and the big heavy frying pan falls on the 'on' lever for the toaster oven while you're asleep, it sets the towel upon which the dishes are drying on fire, and then the house burns down.

MP said...

Sit on the deck and the cat jumps up on the deck and the whole deck collapses!!!Wrap electricla heat tape around the pipes in the cellar to keep them from freezing and lay they extra footage of tape on top of the folded laundry on top of the washer.. Starts a fire and the house burns down, Freeze to death in your unheated unfinished bedroom in the rafters on the second floor. break your neck falling down the stairs Christmas eve carrying an air hockey table from "Santa" and trying not to awaken the kids.