It's not about the house.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Drinking Problem

I keep my lotion by my bedside table. Sometimes I wake up in the night and my feet are so dry I can't get back to sleep, so I keep it handy. Or footy, as it were. But you'll notice I said by my bedside table, and not on it, because if I put it on the table the cats knock it off on their way to their glass of water.

Yeah, I've given up pretending possession of the glass of water on the table. I mean, I could drink out of it if I wanted to, but it's all full of cat spit, so I keep my beverages on the floor, in bottles

And I do mean beverages, plural. I have a bit of a problem that way. If I am sitting still (or sleeping) I always have to have at least two or three drink options within reach. Water, always. Usually Diet Coke. And then seltzer or coffee or a different kind of soda -- or beer -- depending on the time of day.

But last night, the cat fell off the bedside table (der!) and knocked my water bottle clear across the room. So when I woke up thirsty in the night, I drank the lotion!

Not drank-drank. I mean, I didn't swallow it. And I don't even understand how I let it get as far as in my mouth. I picked up the bottle, flipped up the flip-top lid (um, I don't know about where you live, but around here water bottles don't have flip-top lids), pursed my lips around the little hole (um, ditto), and sucked up a big old mouthful.

Then I woke up. Boy, howdy did I wake up.

I spit it out into my hand -- which was brilliant, because then I had a lotiony mouth and a spitty, lotiony hand to deal with, so I shook it off my hand onto a magazine I had left on the floor. Then I wiped both mouth and hand with (you guessed it) toilet paper and drank about a liter of Waist Watcher Citrus Frost (generic Fresca; times are hard, man).

When I woke up this morning, I discovered that I'd taken off my sleeping-sweatshirt in the night and put it smack dab on top of that magazine.

Maybe I should just go back to bed.


Charlie said...


beardonaut said...

We're both a-chuckle (it's a word) here over that li'l story. Grand. Just grand.

12ontheinside said...

Oh, sweetie, that made me laugh for about 15 minutes straight. HA.

In an effort to make you feel better, and to reinforce your opinion that I am grosser than you, I once woke up thirsty in the night and instead of reaching for my water I got the glass of lemonade that was near my water. The lemonade had been there for some time. I woke suddenly to a big mouthful of furry mould. Way to wake up.

ege said...

Charlie -- I know! Right? But you knew something like that was bound to happen eventually, didn't you?

Beardo -- I'm glad my suffering amuses you both. I'd be disappointed if it didn't.

12 -- Oh, man! You ARE grosser than me! I have to go throw up now!

Jen said...

I have the same problem with the stupid cat. Or maybe it's the owner of the cat who is stupid. I leave diet coke by my bed because she doesn't like diet coke and she can't drink out of the little hole in the can. She doesn't bother to knock it over either which I don't understand. I have yet to drink lotion but I wouldn't put it past me.