Oldies But Goodies

today The House and I presents a Very Special Episode...

Things That Happened Forty Years Ago

1.  Pow!

A bunch of redneck motherfuckers yippeekiyayed into space and brought back the rocks to prove it. And then seven years ago, this happened...



... proving they've still got 'em.

2. Whoops!

A bunch of sociopathic idiots failed to set off the Great Race War as was their destiny because they couldn't spell "Helter" correctly even though they'd been studying it off the goddamn album-sleeve for months.

3. Ta-Da!

Three days of music and love culminated in a very bouncy, very choreographed, very gold-lamé-draped performance! Then the show was closed by a very solemn rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and everyone went home feeling very nostalgic for the 1950s.

4. Brilliant!

Some confederate jackass got shot in the arm by his own men and died in a plantation office that Johnny and I have actually been to because said confederate jackass was born in Ireland and is therefore something of a hometown, friendly-fire hero.

What? Oh. Sorry. Wrong Stonewall.

5. Waah!

A whole buncha bald, slimy, prickly, fuzzy babies were being born...

...and this scary bitch was one of 'em.

Well, that picture was taken fifteen years ago, so that scary bitch was technically twenty-five. But she doesn't see any reason to update the image. She got a new driver's license picture taken yesterday, and that's more than enough photographic evidence of the aging process for one decade.
 



If you or someone you love is turning forty, please know that there is help out there. Call your local Directory Assistance, or look in the yellow pages under "Taverns" or "Package Stores." Trained professionals at these facilities can tell you how to let your loved ones know they're not alone.