Now Be Off, or I'll Kick You Downstairs

I think I have some sort of degenerative neurological condition. I haven't been diagnosed or anything, but I'm fairly certain that's what's going wrong.

It seems that I've misplaced my sunglasses.

I've misplaced my sunglasses, I can't remember why I got up from my computer and went into the dining room, and I don't know what happened to that little green plate after I took it out of the cupboard and decided not to use it after all.

Seriously, where did that plate go? It's not back in the cupboard, it's not on the counter, and it isn't in the sink. I didn't use it -- it was way too small to be a lid for that glass bowl I was steaming pudding in -- and it isn't in the fridge with butter on it, either. It's not even absent-mindedly tucked in a drawer or anything. It is just gone.

Also, I must have stepped over that empty box on the living room floor a dozen times yesterday. I left it there on purpose, so that I would not forget. And it worked, after a fashion. I mean, every single time I stepped over it I thought to myself "Right. Must pack that box and send it off to Ireland." But then every single time, as soon as the box was behind me instead of in front of (or under) me, the thought went poof -- out of my head. The card that I intend to put inside it is right here on my desk, though. Still blank, of course, but right here at my fingertips. So, you know, there's no way I can possibly forget.

Meanwhile, I'm going away for a few days. Just down to Dr. One Friend's, to take care of her dog while she does Big Important Work Things at an ooh-la-la Resort. I'm leaving in two hours, and I haven't packed yet. The empty suitcase was on the floor of my bedroom all day yesterday. Stepped over that one fifteen times, as well, until I had the bright idea to pick it up and put it on my bed. No way I could forget about it if it was staring at me from my pillow. I did have to move it back to its place on the floor, though, when it came time to lie down.

So you see? There's something wrong inside my brain. I'm no neurologist, but I think it's an inner ear thing. I think it has something to do with the fact that the earth, no matter how I rail against it, insists on perpetually spinning on its axis and circling the sun. Messing up my equilibrium. Or something.

If only I could make it stop, I'm certain I'd be able to find that plate.



Aha! So there you are, you little bastard!

Apparently, I did use the goddamn thing, after all.