… If it’s the Last Thing We Ever Do

Okay, so it wasn’t just a pee-pee cake.

Remember July? When I wrote this? And this? And maybe a few more things that I can't find right now?

Well, in case you don't -- and in case you also don't feel like following those links to see what I'm talking about -- I'll sum it up: The Weymouth (a.k.a. Townville) police chief was suspended and eventually quit for reasons they wouldn't divulge at first, but which were later revealed to be a tasteless joke involving, and a "sexually explicit cake" delievered to, the (female) guest of honor at a department birthday party.

Big whoop, I thought at the time. Tasteless, boorish, not that smart -- and, as far as jokes go, barely funny -- but not something somebody should be fired for. Give him a slap on the wrist, tell him next time to go a little lighter on the Hawaiian Punch, remind him what century he's living in and that you haven't been able to make "pubic hair on my coke" jokes in the workplace for twenty years. Then get back to talking to construction workers and staring down manholes while traffic crashes around you, like a well-paid Massachusetts policeman is supposed to do.

But wait. There's more. And it wasn't just a pee-pee cake. And it wasn't just Hawaiian Punch.

In yesterday's Globe there was an article. Also a picture of the guy. Real Adonis, this one, what? Maybe Paul Newman can play him in the movie. Especially now that he's dead.

Anyway, you can follow that link above to read the article in it's entirety, but you won't, so I'll sum up. In an exhaustive list of incidents dating back to 2004, the Globe reports that he (allegedly):

1. Groped at least four women at an office Christmas party. "One female told us that he grabbed her entire buttock cheek in his hand and then just smiled." When asked whether he had touched these four women, Thomas said, "No, not that I recall."

2. Played the Jimmy Buffett song "Why Don't We Get Drunk (and Screw)" over the Police Department intercom system.

3. Put two Hostess Sno Balls snack cakes together on a plate and presented them to a female police employee. (As best I can figure, he did not actually say "Heh, heh. Looks like boobies.")

4. Announced over the intercom that the same employee would celebrate her birthday by "pole dancing at Alex's," referring to a strip club in Stoughton, "and would be buying the drinks." (This is the so-called "joke" we knew about last summer. Did not know he said it over the intercom.)

5. In February, an employee reported seeing damage on Thomas's cruiser when the chief arrived at work at 6 a.m., but accident reports stated that the damage occurred later in the day. (In other words, he crashed his car over the weekend but claimed to have done it on the job.)

6. Drove his cruiser after he had been drinking. A Police Department employee said the chief pulled a motorist over, called in the wrong license plate number, and appeared to be slurring his words.

7. Employees report that the chief's voice, on that night, "sounded similar to when he would call the station late at night asking for a phone call to be placed to his cellphone as he had misplaced it during the night." (To which I have to ask: if he could call the station, why couldn't he call his own goddamn cell phone?)

So the moral of the story is: Not only did he deserve to be fired, but he deserves -- as Johnny would say -- to be strapped down and shot with balls of his own shite.

On a related note, BusinessWeek magazine has named Townville (a.k.a. Weymouth) the second-best place to raise a family in Massachusetts. Behind Malden, and ahead of Cambridge.

Officials in Weymouth did not return calls.