It's not about the house.

Monday, May 12, 2008

What I Did Instead of Writing Last Night

They were on sale, and I had a coupon. The box cost two dollars, so it was like a moral imperative or something for me to take it home. I figured the chocolates could be my once-nightly reward for being industrious and uncomplaining and just generally all-around saintly over the coming weeks. That is, if I could keep them hidden from the monkeys.

What monkeys, you ask? Why, the ones that flew out of my butt after I ate one chocolate and walked away, of course! In my defense, the twenty-seven minutes it took me to scarf them down weren't consecutive. It was more like eighteen 90-second bursts. And I was really good and generally saintly in between.

I had imagined that the whole sale-plus-coupon bargain was Something Special Orchestrated Just For EGE -- a Chocolate Present From Ye Gods, if ye will, to get my creative juices flowing. A metaphorical bouquet of doghouse roses from a certain A-hole looking to Make Nice. But it occurred to me this morning that perhaps the promotion was organized around a certain holiday that took place this past weekend. That I was meant to wrap the box of chocolates and give it to someone else, not spit them on the comforter at the latest nut-kick from "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Man, even after two decades of that show, a good old toddler face-plant can still make me stain the Cuddledown.

Then again, maybe the Russell Stover was a little cosmic thank-you for me, after all. From all the lucky, lucky children I've decided not to have. And if that is the case, then apparently there was going to be four. Or else one total brown-nose.

The rest, though, I really will save for when I'm saintly.



Leslie said...

Oh I totally hear you. The only reason why I would have had more than just a single piece left is that I consider half the things in the sampler box (anything not nuts or caramel) to be ick. Something like a bag of hershey kisses with almonds would never stand a chance.

Sparkle Plenty said...

If I had a Whitman's Sampler all to myself (and let's pretend that I haven't), I would poke my finger in the bottom of each one to see what it was. See, even though there's a frickin' road map to the chocolates in the Whitman's Sampler box, I still like to do the finger poke.

It's really best that I don't share, isn't it?

P.S. Sometimes I like to think that I can speak different languages because when something is in French, Spanish, and English I look at the French and Spanish versions and think, "Yeah, I could have figured that out even if the English version WASN'T there." I probably couldn't 'though. Even somethin' easy like Assortiment de Chocolats.

EGE said...

Leslie -- Oh, you think there was one piece left? No, that lone brown blob is just the crinkly paper from the only chocolate that got one. Next time, you can have my caramels (I don't love 'em, but I don't hate 'em enough to leave 'em in the box) if I can have your nougats and coconuts.

Sparkle -- Or Cassoulet du Dinosoire?

Khurston said...

LOL I love that just an inch to the right of the empty box of chocolates is a banner ad for eDiets.

Anonymous said...

I bought 4 pairs of shoes to celebrate not having children.


su said...

Ege has your mail thingy ever arrived? I paid extra last monday so it would be priority. Meant to make you smile. My friend Kate used to buy I think it was a Cadbury Milk tray! She like the idea that she was getting milk as she scarfed her way through the box of chocolates. Aunt C used to wrap and unwrap everytime she ate one of the gifted chocolates so she did not have to share... I thought that was the best. Everyone has silly chocolate stories right!

Leslie said...

Was the screaming monkey in the picture all along and I missed it, being deep in thought about overindulging in chocolate? Or did you add it later? Is that a Woot monkey or just a regular flying screaming monkey? Do you even know what the hell I'm talking about?!? If so, please let me know.

EGE said...

1. The monkey was in the picture all along.

2. I google-imaged "flying monkey," and found lots just like this.

3. I didn't know he was screaming.

4. I don't know what a woot is.

5. What are you talking about? Is there some fun going that I'm missing out on?