It's not about the house.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

But We'll Keep Them All In A Locked Room

I’ve declared this List Week here at The House and I. Mostly because I’m still easing my writing muscle back into play after having been on the DL for a month or so. It’s easier this way, like using a – oh, what’s the word? You know: that Y-shaped thing you put under your arm to help you walk with?

Anyway, so Monday I listed things the universe should do for me (which can be summed up as follows: shape up and get out of my way); Tuesday I listed bullets I’ve dodged (in sum: walking billboard of shame); and today I’m filling a request from my Pretend Nana:

Five Things I Hope Do Not Exist
When I’m 20 Years Older

1. Mirrors
No. I mean, this was my first instinct, but then I remembered the smooth chin I had at age 19, pictured what my billy-goat scruff would look like by 59, and decided I’d have to keep the mirrors around for tweezing purposes. Of course, by then I probably won’t be able to see well enough to do the job. Dang it.

2. Whippersnappers.
Again, no. Again, instinctual, but then I thought: who the hell’s going to mow the lawn? So keep the whippersnappers, too. Dang it!

3. Bathroom Scales
Well, on the other hand… I got my hated hips from my (loved) grandmother. I’ve seen pictures of her when she was younger, and we could be twins – or twin bagel bottoms, anyway. But by the time I knew her she was teeny. Teeny-tiny. So maybe in twenty years I’ll be teeny-tiny too, and wouldn’t I like to register that number on the scale? Of course, by then I’ll be too blind to read it. Dang!

4. You Know That Guy With The Pencil-Pimp Moustache Who Does The Colon-Cleansing Infomercial? Him.
I’ve never even watched the dang thing, but when I flip past a channel he’s on I get the creeping willies. Except, isn’t hoping he doesn’t exist kind of like hoping he (gulp) dies? And that’s not a very pleasant thing to hope for, dang it all, even if he does look like something I’d hit with a rock.

Oh, I know. I’ve got one. And I mean this one, too. No backsies. (Ha! When I typed “backsies,” Microsoft Word automatically changed it to “backsides.” Yeah, well, none of those, either! Right, Grammy?) Ready? Okay:

One Thing I Really DO Hope Does Not Exist
When I’m 20 Years Older

5. The AssVac
BOOM!*


Dang you, AssVac! Dang you to heeeeccck!

Now: what should I listify tomorrow?




*(Image also from
Ben Grasso. Same guy I stole from the other day. Love him. Do.)

7 comments:

su said...

Gram weighed about 165-170 ALL of her life until Grampy started having health issues. With each issue he rebounded to robust health and Gram lost weight and got more frail. I remember buying her a lovely pair of size 12 cream colored wool crepe slacks to replace the 18s she was wearing. She said"Susan!!!!!!!!!!%These will NEVER fit me. I said "Mum, Humor me and just try them on before I return them" When she emerged from the bathroom with a tiny tear in the corner of her eye, and looking so stylish, she said... "They are too long!" Soo vintage Gram.
By the time gramps died she sould not hold on to 100 pounds. Just a good thigh weighs that much. I know this is a personal comment and maybe you will remove it but I hope not!

Chris said...

"Dang you, AssVac! Dang you to heeeeccck!"

What gives with the nonlethal swearing! You're not getting all "Born to be mild" on us are you?
EGE the Younger would be in complete flame mode....
FLAME ON!!!

Chris...

EGE said...

I don't know, maybe I was channeling Older Me. You know, shaking a cane at the whippersnappers?

Khurston said...

topical list idea: people you'd vote for if they ran for president

Janice said...

Keep the whippersnappers, the mirrors, scales and the guy with the pencil moustache in a locked room of the Ass-Vac? A little mind boggling, that. Now, I am (nearly) 59 and the things I would rather didn't exist are: birthdays, the impulse that makes people see grey hair and immediately patronise and videos of me taken 20 yrs ago.

Janice said...

oh, and blister pack pills and reporters who won't/can't/don't need to, do background research and analysis

DonnaStaf said...

List idea: Titles of Movies/books 20 years from now and what they are about.