... and A-Two

I’ve been smelling poop a lot lately. I mean, not intentionally leaning in and taking whiffs, but rather it’s just been wafting over me all of a sudden, at random, without warning. And not just in the house -- where, lord knows, it would not be a surprise.

The first time was on the subway yesterday, and noone else in my train-car seemed to notice. You can tell when people sense a bad smell on the train, because they hold their fingers to their noses or else they pull their collars up, all the while looking shiftily around in an attempt to spot the culprit. I was the only one doing that this time, so I instinctively began to hope it wasn’t me. Fortunately, after a few stops, this ample-bottomed lady got on and sat down next to me. She was wearing so much perfume I had to fight for breath, and by the time I disembarked I’d plum forgotten about poo.

Until I noticed it again. I don’t remember where I was the second time, but the third time I was walking down the street. I stopped and checked the bottoms of my shoes, but they were clean, and anyway by then I didn’t smell it anymore,

It happened a few more times yesterday, and then again this morning. I was taking out the recycling – which is a pretty poo job, you have to admit, but it’s never given off an actual stench before. Right out by the fence I smelled it, and there was no guilty pile. I was in my pyjamas, with bare feet, so it could not have been my clothes. Or, at least, if it was my clothes yesterday, this would be a pretty bummer coincidence.

Anyway, it just happened again now, this time in the dining room, and I’m starting to freak out. Because, if I remember my Amityville Horror correctly, the smell of excrement is a sign of Satan – as in Lucifer, or Beelzebub. And even though I don’t technically believe in him, I sure as hell don’t like the idea of him following me around.

Or, wait. Hang on. Was it Satan? Or was it Santa? I'm confused -- am I getting presents?! I guess I wouldn’t mind if Santa followed me around, but I do wish he’d make with the gifts already instead of just farting in my general direction. I better check the source material. Hold on...

Hm. When I google “Amityville Horror” and “excrement” I mostly get links to reviews of the movie. People really no likey the movie.

If I search “excrement” and “occult” I get colon cancer. Well, I don’t get colon cancer, but I get links to colon cancer. Web sites.

When I type “smell of excrement” I get links to something called Diogenes syndrome – which I thought might be the answer until I followed one of them and found it has nothing to do with futile quests. I just means that you’re old and you don’t wash. I shower daily, thank you very much. Most-daily, anyway. Not always on Sundays. Which, despite the poo-smell, is in no way related to devil-worshipping.

But I can’t find anything to prove my Satan theory, which I suppose must be good news. Also good news is that I don’t find anything that says I might be nuts. Except for Johnny. He says that all the time. But not for this. I haven’t even told him about this. Because I think he'd believe the devil thing, and I think I'd freak him out.

Unfortunately, though, if it's not Satan and it isn't madness, then that leaves just one possible interpretation. I know you’re thinking it anyway, and have been for a while, so you might as well just go ahead and say it with me:

I have a bionic nose.


No? Well, then what? What were you going to say?

Oh. Shame on you. That isn't very nice.