It's not about the house.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Townville Times

When I implemented News Tuesday, I thought I’d be commenting on important stuff like rat’s asses, flying figs and how much they’re charging for a cup of tea in China. I did not intend for the discussion to constantly hit so close to home. But Townville just won’t lay down!

This little burg that we live in is the small-towningest place I have ever real-life seen – and it is technically about four times larger (population-wise, at least) than the town where I grew up. They don’t like strangers here, for example, and they keep trying to get new and illegal laws passed in order to keep them out. They give you tickets for parking on the street in front of your own house, despite the fact that it isn’t posted anywhere on the street itself or in the bylaws that such a thing’s illegal. Even the Post Office, for some reason, keeps different hours than every other P.O. in the whole U.S. of A.

And now this, from the Boston Globe (you'll notice that I've left the real town name in there this time: that's because I'm hoping to be google-able on this. I haven't been able to find any blog-gossip about the situation out there as of yet, but if it happens, I want to be in):

Weymouth Mum On Chief's Leave

WEYMOUTH – Weymouth officials remain tight-lipped about the decision to place Police Chief James Thomas on paid administrative leave.

Mayor Sue Kay confirmed that Captain Brian Callahan, the senior captain in the department, has been named acting chief, replacing Thomas. But she would not explain why the switch was made.

"I'm afraid I can say nothing at this time," Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for comment. "Please respect the seriousness of the situation. My answer must be 'no comment.' "


Nor did officials confirm reports that Thomas had his gun and badge taken away in the days before being placed on leave.

I first read about this in a different, local newspaper on July 15. It apparently happened sometime on the 11th. The above Globe article was published July 20. Today is July 22, and still there’s no more news forthcoming. The chief of police is abruptly unseated and relieved of his gun and badge (the Globe here says that last bit’s unconfirmed, but the other article I read presented it as fact so I am, too) and for a week and a half the town officials don’t believe residents have any right to know the reason why?

Okay, kids, it's speculatin' time!

Weymouth Officials Insist the Truth is Out There

WEYMOUTH – Police Chief James Thomas was abducted by aliens last week and replaced with a carbon-based life form claiming to be Brian Callahan.

“How should I know whether it’s really Callahan or not?” Mayor Sue Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for information. “I haven’t seen him naked – yet.”

Nor did officials confirm reports that the alleged Callahan has repeatedly filed formal requests to be allowed to “phone home.”

Or, how about:

Weymouth Will Survive

WEYMOUTH – Police Chief James Thomas was seen dancing around Bicknell Square on Friday night lipsyncing to Donna Summers’ “ MacArthur Park,” using his gun as a microphone and wearing nothing but his badge pinned over his willy. He has subsequently been relieved of both.

“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that title,” Mayor Sue Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for information. When informed that it referred to the “someone left the cake out in the rain” song, she had no comment as to just how long it took to bake it.

Nor did officials confirm reports that replacement Captain Brian Callahan has changed the stupid lock and made Thomas leave his key.

Last, but not least:

Weymouth Bans Hooting

WEYMOUTH – Police Chief James Thomas was abruptly unseated and relieved of his gun and badge last week following a nasty public incident involving flying figs.

“Why are you asking me these stupid questions?” Mayor Sue Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for information. “What does any of this have to do with the price of tea in China?”

Nor did officials confirm reports that rat’s asses were involved in the above-invented incident.

Sheesh. No wonder Townville has the highest suicide rate in Massachusetts.


Happy News Tuesday, everybody!
Anybody out there want to have a go?

10 comments:

jen said...

When I read shit like this, and by "shit" I mean "good writing", it reminds me that I suck at writing and I am surprised you would read me at all.
Hell no, Im not giving it a go! I dont like public embarrassment.
What I wanna know is what job you had that coined the phrase about skull bongs er somethin'.

su said...

I have 2 things to say
#1. Which 2 things was he relieved of the a)Gun and willy, b)Willy and badge or c)gun and badge?

And
#2 Rodney Rumble What a great name for the police chief!!!I bet that is why he got the job.

EGE said...

Jen -- ah go one, you're fabulous, try it! (PS I forgot about the skull bong challenge because last I checked no one had played, but now I see they have so I'll give it another day or so and get back to you).

Su -- Yeah, I realized that little uncertainty of phrasing and left it because the nebulosity amused me. But #2, um... you're not high already, are you?

su said...

OK in my defense, I read the article from the Globe link as I did not realize you had included it on the blog. But Folks, there was a Chief Rodney Rumble once in Townville.

pcklsoup said...

I had never heard of the likes of "Townville" so I googled it. Thanks Townville for manufacturing the illustrious product Tang!

Kim

Sparkle Plenty said...

HAR! I love it, EGE! Sure, I'll take a whack!

Weymouth Police Chief “Punked”

WEYMOUTH – In a surprisingly playful move by Mayor Sue Kay and Captain Brian Callahan, Police Chief James Thomas was “punked” this week. On Monday morning, Leader of the force Captain “Gotcha” Callahan swiftly and abruptly whisked Thomas’s deluxe wheely chair away—unseating him—as Mayor Sue Kay, dressed in a leather teddy and garter belt relieved him of his gun and badge.

“I can neither confirm nor deny any reports of unseating and relieving,” Mayor Sue Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for information, mysteriously adding “ROFLMAO” just beneath the e-mail’s complimentary close.

Nor did officials confirm reports that the gun and badge were used for naughty photos.

Chief In Bed, Out of Job

WEYMOUTH – Weymouth officials remain tight-lipped about the rumor that Police Chief James Thomas has taken to his bed, deeply depressed about what he refers to as “This boring-ass Podunk backwater.”

Mayor Sue Kay confirmed that Captain Brian Callahan, the senior captain in the department, is significantly less depressed at the moment than Chief Thomas, and will act as interim chief. Kay refused to verify whether Thomas had been spending his days curled up in a fetal position beneath the station’s doughnut table.

"I'm afraid I can say nothing at this time," Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for comment. "He’s a nutcase. Wait. Did I just type that? Jesus, this town is getting to me. Wait. Did I just type that?"

With Kay now on administrative leave, this reporter could find no town spokesperson to confirm or deny whether Thomas had his gun and badge taken away some time in the endless days and nights before being placed on leave.

Khurston said...

Weymouth can’t take heat, gets out of kitchen

WEYMOUTH – Weymouth officials have no comment on rumors that the chief of police was a puppet being mastered by a rat hiding inside his police hat.
“It’s not uncommon for rodent droppings to be found in the trunks of police cars,” Mayor Sue Kay said in an e-mailed reply to a request for information. “It was the quantity of them that we found alarming.”
When asked for a comment, replacement Captain Brian Callahan said ”pieces of 8!” and asked for a cracker.

EGE said...

Kim -- Welcome! At least, I don't think you've ever been here before. I'd think I would remember someone who goes by the screen name "pickle soup!"

Sparkle -- I bow before the master. Yours rock mine's butts. Or however one would apostrophize that sort of thing. Definitely not "butt's," that much I know.

Khurston -- Heh,heh, you said "droppings."

Sparkle Plenty said...

Nuh-UH! I love yours, and your invitation to join in was the highlight o' my day. We can do a little "After you, Alphonse," "No, after you, Gaston" dance here. Khurston's is wicked awesome, too. The whole rat puppetmaster-inside-police-hat thing was mighty, mighty.

DonnaStaf said...

I'll have whatever all of you are having... Smoke 'em if you got 'em! To funny...