All I Need's a Stabby Little Straw

Yes, I know it's Tuesday, and I know I'm supposed to write about Townville on Tuesdays, but I just spent a half an hour stuck on the g-d bridge behind a Ted Turner look alike with a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on his big black Escalade -- which he, incidentally, left idling the entire time, presumably so he could run the air conditioning in 70-degree weather and listen to Rush Libaugh snort oxycontin and talk loofahs with Bill O'Reilly.

So you'll forgive me if I don't feel terribly tenderly towards Townville today.

Instead (and apropos of nothing, I swear to god), I've decided to present The Complete List of Insults I've Invented.

Which are two.

1. crap-packet: an utterly useless person; a corporeal being functioning solely as a physical delivery system for... well, you know
Viz. Rush Limbaugh
"I just spent a half an hour stuck on the g-d bridge behind a total crap-packet"

I made this one up a couple years ago, and unfortunately I don't remember the exact coinage anymore. This is the first time I've seen it written down, though, and I have to say: I'm not sure how I feel about the hyphen. Honestly, I'd much rather do without it, but then I'm afraid the eye would read those two p's as a single consonant sound -- crapacket -- which is not how it's supposed to go at all.

I don't actually use it all that often because, although I know it will shock you to hear me admit as much, I am charitable enough to think that most people are not 100% useless. I mean, hell, I just got two halfway-decent jokes out of Rush Limbaugh in the span of 60 words, so even he probably doesn't fit the definition anymore.

Viz. Sarah Palin?

2. juice-box: um... I'm not sure exactly what this one means.
Viz. The guy who cut me off in traffic.
"Oh, now what does this juicebox thinks he's doing?"

I just made this one up the other day, so I really am not sure what it means. (I do know that I'm okay either way on the hyphenation thing, though, as you can see by the way I'm playing loosey-goosey with it.) Maybe it means something along the same lines as the first one, if I thought about it. But I didn't. It just came out of my mouth -- and I was all alone in Chuck (TFT) at the time. I was so tickled by it that it made me lose my road rage, and I called my One Friend when I got home to let her in on just how gosh darn clever I could be.

You want to know what her response was? After she laughed at me, I mean, for being so ridiculously elated with myself?

"You didn't make that up," she said. "It's already a word."

Have you ever?

"Yes I know it's already a word," I sighed, "but...

"Oh, never mind."

Juice boxes.

Everywhere.