It's not about the house.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

All I Need's a Stabby Little Straw

Yes, I know it's Tuesday, and I know I'm supposed to write about Townville on Tuesdays, but I just spent a half an hour stuck on the g-d bridge behind a Ted Turner look alike with a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on his big black Escalade -- which he, incidentally, left idling the entire time, presumably so he could run the air conditioning in 70-degree weather and listen to Rush Libaugh snort oxycontin and talk loofahs with Bill O'Reilly.

So you'll forgive me if I don't feel terribly tenderly towards Townville today.

Instead (and apropos of nothing, I swear to god), I've decided to present The Complete List of Insults I've Invented.

Which are two.

1. crap-packet: an utterly useless person; a corporeal being functioning solely as a physical delivery system for... well, you know
Viz. Rush Limbaugh
"I just spent a half an hour stuck on the g-d bridge behind a total crap-packet"

I made this one up a couple years ago, and unfortunately I don't remember the exact coinage anymore. This is the first time I've seen it written down, though, and I have to say: I'm not sure how I feel about the hyphen. Honestly, I'd much rather do without it, but then I'm afraid the eye would read those two p's as a single consonant sound -- crapacket -- which is not how it's supposed to go at all.

I don't actually use it all that often because, although I know it will shock you to hear me admit as much, I am charitable enough to think that most people are not 100% useless. I mean, hell, I just got two halfway-decent jokes out of Rush Limbaugh in the span of 60 words, so even he probably doesn't fit the definition anymore.

Viz. Sarah Palin?

2. juice-box: um... I'm not sure exactly what this one means.
Viz. The guy who cut me off in traffic.
"Oh, now what does this juicebox thinks he's doing?"

I just made this one up the other day, so I really am not sure what it means. (I do know that I'm okay either way on the hyphenation thing, though, as you can see by the way I'm playing loosey-goosey with it.) Maybe it means something along the same lines as the first one, if I thought about it. But I didn't. It just came out of my mouth -- and I was all alone in Chuck (TFT) at the time. I was so tickled by it that it made me lose my road rage, and I called my One Friend when I got home to let her in on just how gosh darn clever I could be.

You want to know what her response was? After she laughed at me, I mean, for being so ridiculously elated with myself?

"You didn't make that up," she said. "It's already a word."

Have you ever?

"Yes I know it's already a word," I sighed, "but...

"Oh, never mind."

Juice boxes.

Everywhere.

13 comments:

iloveupstate.com said...

We like to take swear words that already exist and marry them so that they make no sense. It's to honor the new immigrants in NYC who jump on the English cursing band wagon a tad too soon. Cock Shitter is a particular favorite.

Khurston said...

one of the geek shows chris watches used "frag" instead of the F word, and i first inherited that, but then adapted it to "fraggle rock.' makes me seem like not such a geek. which i most certainly am

EGE said...

ILU -- I like Cock Shitter!

Khurston -- Oh, nerts, remember Jacob Fugger?

Chris said...

ILU you stole my thunder! The only difference is that I will randomly cram 2 to 8 totally non-connected swear words together to create a SUPER-SWEAR, the angrier I am the longer the SUPER-SWEAR.

Khurston the geek word is "Frak" not "frag". If your going to reveal the geek, please be correct.

jen said...

i just like the old fashioned swears like Fucker. Also? Big fan of Douche-bag.

Charlie said...

Did you just insinuate that I am a "juicebox?"
My favorite invented insult is suckbrain - as in to be so utterly stoopid that you are a black hole of knowledge - which I invented about 20 years ago while studying for an organic chem exam.
p.s. douchebag and all forms of that insult (d-bag etc) literally make me gag.

jen said...

Well, der! I'd call them Sunshine Face were it not for the fact that they are so hideously stupid only Douche-bag would do!!

pork luck said...

I just like to say Dumb ass. Or Dumb-ass for you darling. But Juicebox is cool. If i'm ever hanging around townville i'll listen out my window for it. I'm sure you'll yell it at me.

su said...

The Duke and Duchess of Douche-bag!
and then there was Dome ala brother meaning do me
and of course regular meaning fuckin

jen said...

I am totally going to try substituting "crap packet" for my beloved douchebag tomorrow and see how it flies.

I'll let you know and of course, give you total cred.

EGE said...

Chris -- I thought "Hell Damn Crap" came from the Simpsons?

Jen -- Oh yes, the classics are always the best. But sometimes originality is called for. (PS Me? I prefer plain old "douche" to the more traditional "douche-bag." But yes, it really does make One Friend literally gag.)

Charlie -- Yes, my Friend, yes, I did. In jest, of course. I kid because I love...

PorkPie -- Dumb ass (or Dumb-ass -- yeah, I like the hyphen better on this one; compound noun as opposed to noun and adjective. Much more punchy) is good. But somebody had to invent it, too, somehwere -- right?

Su -- "Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do."

Jen the Second (I was going to say Jen #2, but I didn't think that was very nice) -- Yay! Try it, you'll like it. And do let me know how it goes!

Khurston said...

LOL ege, hell damn crap did come from the simpsons. you've heard an epple rant, man. have you ever heard any of those words in it? those are BABY swears!

su said...

The afore mentioned Fitchburg MA gas station where Dad and his peeps worked developed this chain
Eat, suck, bite, fuck, gobble, nibble, chew!