It's not about the house.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Arr! Ack! No! Part 2: The Return...

Why is Johnny never here when these things happen?
And oh holy shit, by the way, are those eyeballs on the top there? Or grabby jaws? Or little fists? Whatever they are, I didn't notice them until I saw this picture. Which is a good thing. Because otherwise I would never have found the gumption to do this:

Well, what? You didn't think I was going to touch the thing directly, did you? No freakin' way! Not even directly with a wad of toilet paper, and especially not wedged into that crack the way it was. What if it jumped, for god's sake? I could have broken my neck! (You know, with the twitching and the screaming and the slipping and the falling?). In fact, I did briefly consider leaving it like this:

But then I remembered that that's the shower there, and it gets wet, and if there's one thing I remember from my years at summer camp, it's that wadded-up balls of wetted toilet paper stick like glue. Forever. So I screwed up all my courage and did this:

Ha! Ya bastard! Now who'll have the nerve to tell me I need to clean the crack around my shower? Seriously, if anyone out there could tell me how to clean that crack, I'd love to do it. In the meantime, you should all just count your blessings that I managed to crop the following pictures carefully enough so as to hide the ring of crud I somehow failed to notice accumulating around the edges of my toilet bowl:

Ha ha, I say again! Look at him, bleeding all over the place. Hm, though, do you think I might have used a bit more toilet paper?

Ha ha ha! Uh oh...


How did that happen? Oh no!

That's it. From here on out I'm peeing with my pants on. At least until the snow falls, anyway.

And even that I'm only doing when Johnny is freakin' home.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to twitch, scream and fall down...

16 comments:

beardonaut said...

I'll go with "Spider appendages" for 200 dollars, Alex. What are tiny fists?

LadyCiani said...

Ugh, I'm right there with you for the twitching and screaming and flailing and falling.

su said...

The itsy bitsy spider crawled up my daughter's butt!

Charlie said...

su- eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww! gross man!

Muskego Jeff said...

Have you tried a bug vacuum?

http://www.amazon.com/Lentek-BV01G-Bug-Vacuum/dp/B000AMVOWQ

EGE said...

Beardie -- Oh, no, I'm sorry. If you recall, the wording of the phrase was "little" fists. You're right, though, tiny does sound better.

LadyC -- Yay! Sissy solidarity!

Su -- Oh no. No no. No no no. NONONONONONO!!!!

Charlie -- Yeah! What you said!

Jeff -- Hey! You're back! You must be like the spiders, you come in with the season change! You haven't moved to New York, have you (or, should I say, East Rutherford)?

Leslie said...

ACK!

Though I hope you have now learned the cardinal rule for flushing bugs and other nasties: Make sure that they are very securely surrounded by TP so that they can't escape and float up as the TP flushes down.

amanda said...

You need to look for the old classic Aussie song "There was a redback on the toilet seat when I went there last night", you'd love it. (Redbacks are a venomous spider. We have lots of dangerous spiders and snakes here.)

Muskego Jeff said...

New York? Naah, if I move anywhere it'll be to somewhere in Wyoming where I can set up a compound with razor wire and perimeter towers. Unfortunately, my wife won't let me move...

Jenni said...

EEEE UUUUU! I killed one the other day with a flip flop. Some how flip flops are always tossed about our house and in reach to kill a fly or a spider.

DonnaStaf said...

You are soooo funny sometimes. One of the cats here got a mouse a week ago INSIDE THE HOUSE. Way too big to flush...But the "hunt" may need to be captured on film. Stupid mice, they don't last 10 mins here...

Stephanie said...

Oh my god - did you import that from HERE??? I've heard rumors, but so far not seen our actual giant spiders.

RoBiN said...

Just so you know...that looked like a Brown Recluse spider, and those "fists" are actually fangs that inject the venom...should that happen to a human, well, the results are NOT pretty and there can be cellular "death"...as that is what the venom is made to do, kill things...Look it up on the Web but call an exterminator FIRST!!! I know I would!!!
Other than that, I LOVED your post and it brings back MANY a day that I thought these things only happen when someone is around to get rid of problems! EWWWWwwww! Our problems is pinchy bugs...we seem to have an abundance of them around this year, and the thought of them in my house is just YUCK!!!
Which reminds me, I have to call the exterminator!!!
Good Luck...love the house!

EGE said...

Brown Recluse? I've heard of them but I thought they were smaller.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EGE said...

Okay, I just googled it, and the brown recluse is supposed to be 1/4-3/4 inches long. This thing was like 2" -- seriously. Wikipedia says the recluse "can get bigger," but it seems to me that's a pretty significant deviation from the norm. So phew.

Right?

Joanne Kennedy said...

I don't know what that thing was but I am sitting here cracking up. When it came back up the tolite I thought I was going to die from laughing so hard.

Joanne