It's not about the house.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Ten Things You'll Hate About Me

I got tagged to do this list, and I was supposed to do it on Wednesday so I'm really, really, really trying to get it in under the wire. It's supposed to be just Ten Things About Me, but I've been so open (some might say indiscreet) on this blog, a lot of you already know a lot of things.

So I've tried to come up with ten things I've never mentioned. I could be wrong. If it turns out I have mentioned any of these ten things before, well, then, please point it out and I'll make up a new one!

I mean come up with a new one. Not make up. These ten things are all true, I swear to god.

10. When I was in high school, I won a state-wide award for bread-making. I went to Chicago and had a tour of the Fleischman's Factory. No matter what I do, however, I cannot make a decent loaf in the goddamn bread machine, so Johnny thinks I made this story up, and if bread is going to be made in this house sans machine, he insists that he make it. I love him, but Johnny is just not very good at from-scratch bread. He rocks on the machine, though.

9. The number of people I have slept with is more than are allowed on the field at any one time, fewer than are allowed on the roster. That is all I'm saying. You pick the sport that would make you feel most comfortable with this information. (Not tennis.) (Or golf.)

8. When I didn't eat meat for twelve years, I secretly, sometimes, ate bacon.

7. I walk hard. Really hard. Like, that movie that was called that could have been written about me, if it had had a different plotline altogether. My heels hit the floor and shake the house. People call me Storm Trooper. I have been getting comments on this as long as I remember, yet I do not understand how a person is supposed to walk any differently. Johnny thinks this might be why my back hurts.

6. When in doubt, I always choose yes. Because if you choose no, the question will always still be out there, really.

5. I really, honestly, genuinely never wanted to buy a house. I still think it was a really bad idea. And there isn't anything I imagine could happen that would change my mind. (Maybe I have referred to something along these lines before.)

4. I recently found out there's a healthy chance we've been committing tax fraud due to ignorance for the past two years. I believe this does not matter, because said possible fraud involves property we own in another country, to which we can always flee if necessary.

3. Speaking of which -- ooh, nobody knows this one (sorry, family): we have started to begin preliminary hypothetical discussions regarding the conceivable likelihood of considering possible necessary fleeing should a certain Republican candidate emerge victorious in November. Seriously. Anybody want to buy a house?

2. I've been writing on my shower-walls lately. That is not a double-entendre. I mentioned to One Friend that inspiration tends to hit when I'm in the one place where I am powerless to catch it, and she mentioned that when she used to do underwater marine research they wrote in pencil on PVC tablets. My shower is made of PVC, and I own a pencil, so voila:

(In case you can make any of it out, I would like to clarify that in the middle it says "I am a shareholder," not "I am a slaveholder." Though you'd be forgiven for making the mistake. I've made the mistake myself, and I wrote it. About me.)

And finally, what is the thing I've decided deserves to be number one on this list of Things About Me? What could possibly top leaving the country, bread awards, and bacon? Well....



Oh! Okay!

1. Until last night, when I watched the last five minutes of VH1's "Top Songs of the '90s," in which it clocked in at number one (oh god, you're going to hate me when I admit this) I had never (jeez, I already told you about the nirvana of a job that I held throughout the 90s, didn't I?) heard the song (oh man, is it too late to say nevermind?) "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

WAIT! I've also never seen hail in real life! Or been to Taco Bell! Or stood on my head in a rainstorm reciting the lyrics to "Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie"!

Oh, okay.



Go to town.


beardonaut said...

I laughed out loud at number 8. Seriously. At the office. People looked at me.

And I don't hate you. Regarding number 1, I just want to know if you've lived in a cave since 1992 until recently (the Ass Vac does not count)?

Khurston said...

i sent you this slate article right? titled "I may be a vegetarian, but I still love the smell of bacon" (seriously, my love for slate is not normal)
re: #3, bite your tongue jinxy jinxerson. and for god's sake, take me with you!

jen said...

Taco Bell? Gah. And, I KNOW your ass has been drunk, so I don't even know how you've never been there...

amanda said...

You've never seen hail?

That is even more bizarre than the fact that you won a tour of some kind of bread factory.

EGE said...

Beardo -- Seriously, I don't know how it happened. I didn't even realize it until it came on and did not sound familiar at all. I guess it's just that I don't listen to pop radio, wasn't really into the grunge scene, and the company I worked for was more interested in NOT-famous people, and we started too late to catch them. That's my best excuse and I'm sticking to it. (PS I don't blame you for laughing. Bacon IS funny!)

Khurston -- yes, you sent me that before. But you're right about the jinx thing. Dang! Why didn't I think of that? Okay, um: John McCain is really cute and hope he scores a million electoral points. There. (Except now he's probably going to get hurt, and the Secret Service will be looking for me.)

Jen -- Where I live, when you're drunk, you get bean burritos from 7-11. Or so I hear.

Amanda --- I know! My whole life, it has either been on the other side of town, or at my house five minutes after I left, or I slept though it and it melted before I woke up. Never seen it. I'm starting to feel afraid of it -- like if I do see it, I might die.

EGE said...

PS Amanda -- I'll forgive you because you're Australian, but Fleischman's makes yeast. Der.

(Any snide jokes relating that to #9 and/or yesterday's comment about the crabs are -- well, I suppose obvious enough that I really can't complain.)