It's not about the house.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Eccentrica Gallumbits

Remember this post I did a couple months ago about my trip to Victoria's Secret? Well...

Remember this one I did a thousand years ago about my gloves?

Yeah, the bras went bad pretty much the day I bought them. I've put off writing about it till now because it would mean posting pictures of my underwear, but I think I can get away with only one -- and not a very titillating one, at that.

Hey, it's Friday and I'm sick. If "titillating" is the best joke I can come up with, then you will laugh, dammit!

Now, first of all, I would like to remind you that I did try these bras on. Which is something I am loathe to do in general. In general (and I don't remember if I said this before, so bear with me) I pick something that looks like it ought to fit because oh my god my ass could not be that big, and then I bring it home and it turns out my ass is (I'm obviously not talking about bras in this example -- but The Ass Bra is not a bad idea. Called it!). So whatever it is winds up kicking around for a couple years, me trying it on periodically in the vain hope that either it has grown or I have shrunk, and then eventually I use it for rags or donate it to charity. Or throw it away. In all honesty a lot of times I throw it out. Terrible person, right here, got it.

Return things? That is to laugh. That would involve keeping receipts beyond the trash can at the exit of the store, and/or leaving tags on things while trying on at home. Those little plastic wires can be itchy, man!

Yes, I know. It has been well established here that I'm an idiot. So we're moving forward.

But that day at my friend Victoria's I did try on bras. I did! I tried on like a hundred and said no to most of them -- which is also not like me. Usually I'll be like "oh, it's a little small but I'm sure it'll do" and then spend the next two years trying to tuck myself back in on the subway without anybody noticing (talking about bras in this example, yeah).

I tried a hundred on, found two I liked, and then went out and got one more of each, exactly alike but in a different color. Except, when I got them home, they weren't exactly alike at all.

The white lacy one that I tried on is fine. No complaints there. The lace isn't exactly holding up as I might have hoped, but at least it fits. The one I got just like it, though, is baby blue. I've never owned a baby blue bra before. It's not really like me, I'm usually white, black or red -- you know, a traditionalist -- but I thought I'd try something different. Plus they didn't have it in my size in black or red.

But it turns out they didn't have it in my size in baby blue, though, either. It says it's the same size as the white one, but when I put it on it makes me look like a quadruple-breasted whore. I'm feeding it a steady diet of peanut M&Ms. Here's hoping it will fit before the white one gives up the ghost.

The other one, however, is just the weirdest bra I ever bought.

(Well, okay. I worked at Rocky Horror for a few years when I was young and beautiful. This may not be the weirdest bra I ever bought, but it's the weirdest bra I ever bought that was trying to be normal.)

Again, I tried on a white one and then went an picked out the exact same one, this time in cream -- or ecru, or whatever. Again, they didn't have my size in black or red, and again it turned out to not be the exact same bra at all. Same size, same rack (really no pun intended there), but just from outer space or something.

So here's the one titillating picture Goody would let me post:

And those are my knees in my M&C pyjamas. Titillating, eh?

So here's this week's CONTEST: Look carefully. What's so outer-space about this bra?

In order to get the whole thing in the picture, I had to squish the cups together in the middle. But otherwise there is nothing hidden. You can see all the parts to it there are. Me, myself, I've never heard of such a thing as this before; I'd never be able to just guess at what the problem is. So you might have to actually get a real one and line it up to compare...

And yes, Anonymous, this is a houseblog. Here, I'll prove it: we put down that wide-pine floor a couple years ago, in the room that was so rotten when we bought this house that my brother-in-law had to puke when he first saw it. Or, rather, smelled it. I sleep there now. And this winter I'll actually have heat!


MP said...

Well it looks as though you can make it into a halter bra for use with halters or halter dresses. That is what I assume the extra hangy offey thingy is.

EGE said...

Nope. No extra hangy offy thing.

Ladyscot said...

It looks like it hooks to the side and not the middle of the back. mp's extra hangy offy thing is the extra long band that reaches all the way across the back, to where the shoulder strap meets the bottom band. You'd have to be a contortionist to fasten that!

EGE said...

Wow, you're good Ladyscot! I really thought this one would be a stumper.

EGE said...

PS I'll give an honorable mention to whoever explains the title.

Tara said...

How scary is it that the words "triple breasted whore" jumped into my head as soon as I saw the post title? (Whoop! Whoop! Geek alert!) That had to have been from middle school. It IS a Douglas Adams reference, right? If not, I've just broke out the words "triple breasted whore" for no reason at all, but hey, you broke out the undergarments!

BTW...Warners bras are da bomb for everyday wear.

jen said...

I can wear my 10 year old nieces training bras. She left one at my house and it ended up in my wash. I decided to try it out. Went and bought myself a couple. Com. Fort. Able.

And... My. Ta. Tas. Small.

Good thing BH is an ass man…

EGE said...

Tara -- Yes indeed. And I don't think laughing at Douglas Adams in middle school makes us geeks at all. Nope. Not me.

braveheart said...

Is the right, er, cup larger than the left? or is it the camera angle? Hitchhiker's Guide, right?