We. Won.

Not Ed McMahon. No, the privacy fence will have to wait a while longer, but we got our first full-month, heat-on gas bill yesterday.

Actually, the truth is, it wasn’t yesterday. The bill is dated December 26, and I believe it arrived on Saturday, the 29th. I was saving mentioning it until I got my camera, so I could post a picture of the actual bill and y’all would know I wasn’t lying. But the camera hasn’t arrived yet, and the bill’s making me nervous just sitting there unpaid (I have a history with due dates; I’m much better relying on a rapid turnaround). So I’m commencing to remit, and you’ll just have to wait for photographic evidence of some other thing.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned yet that I ordered a new camera? I don’t know if I have. A $400 jobbie that I Love Upstate alerted me was on sale for $199 – and then my mom offered to make up the difference between that and the amount I’d been prepared to spend. So for $129, I’m getting a truly useful device for taking pictures, one that I can fail to figure out and/or ruin at my leisure. The AssVac is all nervous. She feels like a local anchorwoman whose network is changing over to HD.

Don’t worry, sweetie. Everyone already knows about the pockmarks.

So, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, that’s right, the bill.

$301.87

Now, to some of you this may not seem so cheap. Some of you may live in Florida, or heat with turf dug from the bog in your backyard. But for the rest of you, consider this:

1. That includes hot water.
2. That includes cooking.
3. Last year, in the same month, we spent $450 on oil alone.
4. Last year, in the same month, oil was averaging $2.45 a gallon. I have it on good authority that it’s up over $3.00 now.
5. Last year, in the same month, it was a heck of a lot warmer.

And, finally…

6. Neither of us had to go to work yesterday. We spent it – our very last Holi-day – lolling around. Putting away the last few Christmas presents, throwing away the last few Christmas cookies, watching the Super Modelthon on VH1 (okay, that last one might have been just me). We didn’t even know that it was cold outside until we went to bed and Johnny, in his t-shirt, opened the door to make sure it was locked. He came back chattering and we put on the Weather Channel just to see:

-15º

Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, that says negative fifteen. Degrees. Farenheit. And I slept in my R-19 bedroom with no socks on. For half of what I would have paid to freeze.

Keyspan, or national grid, or whatever the hell you’re calling yourself these days, I take it all back. Every bad thing I ever said about you.

Well, no, actually, I don’t take it all back. You do have assy customer service and you don’t exactly make it easy for people who want to become your paying customers. But once that ordeal is over with, you rock.

And us? Me & Johnny & the AssVac?

We freakin' won!