It's not about the house.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Comfortable Disease

For the past few days, I have been busily – okay, tortoisely – clearing stairs and shelves to put things on.

That is, I’ve been clearing shelves to put things on, and then also clearing stairs. Not clearing stairs to put things on. I would never do that. I mean, I’d put things there. I’d put things there as soon as look at them – and a hell of a lot sooner than walk up, I tell you what – but I would never clear them for the purpose. The attic stairs are usually a great big piley mess and (not those kinds of piles, gross!) and I’m not even usually the one who does it, anyway. Although I am usually the one who clears it off. Which now I’ve done. Again. See?

God, they’re ugly.

Anyway, so I started with the stairs, and since then I’ve been doing one shelf every day. I told myself that’s all I have to do until it’s finished. Or Saturday. Whichever comes first.

Which do you think is going to come first?

Well, hey, those top two shelves are empty. And, you know, the stairs.

Besides, so what? For that matter, I do not hereby swear to actually clean-sweep the things on Saturday. I know I promised myself I would and everything, but it wouldn’t be the first time that I haven’t kept my word. I’m pretty well good and g-d used to it by now. Hell, I’ve damn near come to expect it of me. After all, you don’t end up with an ass like mine by keeping every last this-time-I-mean-it vow.

Meanwhile, Johnny has been cleaning. He started with a tear through the house with the vacuum cleaner (suffice to say: it’s been a while) and then a whole day of congratulating himself and lipping his cookies to a soggy mess after each bite for fear of getting a single crumb on his clean floor. I told him for christ’s sake why didn’t he just go get a saucer, and he told me for christ’s sake why didn’t I just shut my bleedin’ hole, and then we both collapsed into a fit of hysterics. Still catching his breath, he wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his right hand – which may be why he missed the trash can with his left and dumped cookie-crumbs from the empty package all over the damn place. Ooh, I nearly shat myself on that one!

(“Biscuits,” he says. “Not cookies. Biscuits.” Not in this country, my friend! Why don’t you shut your own?)

Anyway, after vacuuming he went down cellar. He’s been organizing to make room to bring the cabinets down. Not that there wasn’t room, per se, but, well –

That was one of the first pictures I ever took – sometime around last April, I believe, the day the furnace blew. It’s gotten worse down there since then, what with all the Kids and Outies tromping in and out, but I didn’t think to get a picture before Johnny headed down.

I can imagine how that must disappoint you, but think of this: you and I will be surprised together to see it when it’s done. Because you’d better believe I haven’t so much as set a toe on the top cellar stair while the project’s going on. I don’t intend to.

And that’s a promise to myself I will not break.

5 comments:

su said...

yey send John to Maine. I will pay him but not what he is accustomed to as I am a C.B.

jen said...

Yeah. I pretty much don't promise myself I'll do anything. This is because I am a liar and also too, I am lazy.
I certainly do not give up jack during Lent, either. This is because if I don't promise myself anything, I am absolutely not going to promise Jesus anything for Mercy's sake! Its bad enough feeling like I've let myself down, let alone God.
SO, yeah. I'm with ya! Those damn shelves will get good and clean when YOU are good and ready!
Biscuits...please.

Around The Funny Farm said...

Your basement looks like mine! We call it the dungeon! lol

Ours is a 100 year old farm house and I LOVE it... but we have gotten through most of the remodeling it...

Before...not so much loving it! lol

I love old houses.

Beth

theotherbear said...

I wish I had a basement to fill with all my crap.

EGE said...

Su -- Nope, I need him here!

Jen -- Yeah, damnit! Besides, I'm sure Jesus gets enough chocolate this time of year, he doesn't need yours, too.

Beth -- Welcome! It IS a dungeon, sometimes I still think we'll find somebody chained up down there. (PS Your profile asks us to read your blog, but it doesn't link to it -- is it private?)

Other Bear -- WHAT? No basement!? I thought you lived in Australia, not Arizona! (Seriously, in do houses generally not have basements there, or is your one just a weirdo?)