You're Winning! You're Winning!

Oh my lord I spent four hours in the cabinets last night and still I didn't finish. I started to write about that just now, but it was going on too long (I know, me? go on too long? about something I never meant to write about in the first place? Shocking!). For once, I had the wherewithal to stop before I ran off with myself, so I saved that cupboard-tale to finish later.

Speaking of wherewith: Herewith! The Rat Race Winner.

Actually, hang on. I have to run off a little bit. I have a few things I want to say before I declare The Winner. But they are at least related, I swear to god.

First of all, I want to say a special welcome to the folks who've never played before or even commented (though if you have, and I've merely forgotten, then I'm going to blame it on the beer; it's certainly not for any shortage of reader-love on my part).

Let's all please have a round of applause for Kimberly, Spud, and purplegirl!

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

(If they had blogs, I'd link to them, but (as far as I can tell, anyway) they don't.)

Second, the names I had to disqualify because they broke pretty much the only rule I gave you:

Amalie -- Nicodemus. I love the Secret of NIMH, and I had forgotten all about it. Thanks for reminding me! Unfortunately (as you, at least, recognized -- unlike some people I could mention), I said no famous-rat names. Out!

LadyCiani -- Algernon (as in "Flowers for"). Another story I loved and had forgotten. But also, alas, a famous rodent. Same goes for (Steamboat) Willie. Out! Out!

Charlie -- I'm tickled by the thought that Boy Cat could be Pinky to this bunny-rat's The Brain. But, again, I said no cartoon rodents. Out!

Shannon (Hi Shan!) -- Sorry, but Willard -- although not a famous rat per se, treads too close to the line for comfort. (For this, I mean. Not for you. Or any other member of your family.) Out!

Thirdly, names I had to cross of the list for other random reasons:

Bob (a.k.a. Poppo) -- as much as I love Prince and everything, I just can't bring myself to name the rat after a series of symbols I can't pronounce. So "逗人喜愛的小的 鼠"? Out!

Other Bear -- As I have been hearing endlessly since I began this thing, Johnny, too, was born in the year of the rat. You had no way of knowing this, but your "Footloose" suggestion (by way of rat-born Kenny Loggins) set off a whole new round of "Why don't you just name it after me?" So I had to throw it Out!

Jen -- Wilbur is terrific. The radiant sound of it warms the very sickness in my heart. But, although technically it's within the rules -- it's not like you suggested Templeton or anything -- it seems wrong to name a rat after some pig, no matter how humble. Out!

I Love Upstate -- Ditto Sue Lee. You certainly get clever points, but still. Rat, not pig. Out!

Spud -- Ditto. "Ima Noddarhat" definitely belongs in the Car Talk credits, but he is. Noddarswhyn. Sorry. Out!

Green Fairy -- Again, no fault of yours, but when I read "Jaak" out loud, Johnny shouted "Jack is John is Johnny! Name it after me!" So I had to cross off Jaak as well. Out!

Su -- Wasn't Rhonda his girlfriend? Out!

Khurston -- Bubby made me laugh a lot, but it's just disgusting! Especially when we're talking about something that, although I have no plans to actually ingest it, is at least intended to be eaten. Out! (P.S. Enrico Pollini also didn't win, but I did name this post in his honor.)

Sparkle Plenty -- Johnny "Two Pellets." See Other Bear and Green Fairy. Out! (And also Rizzo -- although I know was meant along the lines of "I'm walkin' here!" -- just keeps making me think "defective typewriter.")

And, finally, purplegirl -- Thank you for knowing me, and for catering to my baser inclinations. Your suggestion was like a hip flask at an AA meeting. But I'm really trying to be good about this, so unfortunately Eli's Out! Now I'm going to go call my sponsor...

I could go on like this all day. Naming all the names and making stupid jokes and explaining why I did not choose each one of them. But some of us actually have to go to work. Unlike "Two Pellets" over there, who's still asleep. So, without further ado, I'll run down my runners-up:

Cagney, Sniffles, Mr. Do, Verbal, Der Tea Rat, and Dean Martin.

And the winner is...

BISCUIT!!!!!!!!

Because he is.

So, LadyCiani -- you lucky winner, you -- send me your address (my email's in my profile) and I'll send you this big-fun bag of toys!

Uh oh.

He looks like he might eat my face off if I try.

Well, for you, LadyCiani and for the rest of my bleaders, I am willing to risk my life and limb.


Sorry if there are any glaring typos in this. It took too long, and I don't have time to proofread. But I didn't want to leave you hanging until this afternoon.