It's not about the house.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Knobs & Knockers

I hung the doors without incident, but when I went to put the handles on, I discovered that I hadn't purchased a spare dozen after all. Turns out I only squirreled away an extra five.

But that's okay -- cuz look!

One, two, three, four, five! Phew!


Dang ity.

Johnny found an old brass knob in the basement, which would certainly have done the job as far as being something to hold on to while opening the door, but I couldn't even bring myself to put it up. It was just too, well, brassy. Next to these (yes, Sparkle, it turns out) brushed-nickel lovelies, it would never do.

So I took one of the old ones, still in its package, and I went to Home Depot at 9:00 on Sunday morning. And sure enough, they didn't stock 'em anymore.

I bought the closest match I could find, for $3.14, with tax. Except I only had $3.03 on me, because it turns out I didn't think I needed to bring my wallet to Home Depot. The very nice lady at the self-checkout station spotted me the eleven cents, and I was on my way.

I take back every bad thing I have ever said about Home Depot employees. When you need eleven cents, they're really there.

I came back home and Johnny looked at me, expectantly. "Nope," I said, stretching out my hand with the two knobs side by side. "I got the same knob, just in a different finish."

Oh, wait, crap. Upon further inspection, it appears that, "Nope, they're not quite the same knob, after all."

"No," agrees my Johnny, picking up the old one and examining it closely. "This isn't the same as those other knobs at all."

Yes, dear. Thanks for your help. You can go back to bed now.

I hung the odd knob on the stand-alone cupboard in the corner. But oh, no. That will never do!

It sticks out like some sort of big, shiny, sticky-outy thing! See?

Okay, maybe you can't so much see in these pictures. But trust me. Not the same at all.

I couldn't stand it where I'd put it -- right at eye level when you first walk into the kitchen and everything -- so I moved it. Down. And over. To a drawer at ankle-height, where hopefully no one will ever see. Here:

Now can you tell which one of these things is not like the others?

It's tolerable there, but I still can't stand it. After waiting for two years and special-ordering the cabinets -- after actually planning ahead so as to have the knobs and everything, even if I did turn out to have done it slightly wrong -- I want the g-d things to match.

So I went to Amazon and ordered it. Which I really should have thought of doing in the first place. Plus I got that book I've been wanting to pick up for a while, and the other one I was going to buy for a Christmas present but wouldn't have arrived in time. Because I couldn't very well let myself get suckered into paying five dollars shipping on a four-dollar knob, could I?

So now this four-dollar knob has cost me a grand total of $31. 93. Plus a gallon or so of gas to Home Depot and back again.

After finding and ordering the new one, I went looking for Johnny to report on my success. I found him in the kitchen, closely examining the knob on that stand-alone cabinet in the corner. The one right at eye level when you first walk in.

"I don't know if you needed to bother ordering it, hon," he says.

"Now that they're up, I can't tell the difference at all."


su said...

too funny. I was going to suggest going at it with steel wool or a steel brush to give it the brushed nickel appearance of the others. And I loved the store Knobs and Knockers in Dublin.

Jean Martha said...

It hurts when you kick em between the legs, just remember that.

oh and when in dire-knob-straights:

Khurston said...

snork. johnny rules.

Amalie said...

Oh! Oh! So not house related, but the Struwwelpeter is my all time favorite. My family is German and that's the book that was read to my grandfather, then my mother, and then me! Same copy-- it was really probably my great grandfather's, as I think it's actually a 19th Century copy, printed in Germany, but in English for export to German/American immigrants.

I used to have recurring nightmares of Little Suck-A-Thumb...

Anonymous said...

The small one stands out like a sore thumb. They should all be the same. Good thing to order it, even if cost $34 bucks in the end.
They look great, not for the old ones on the other side of the kitchen!!!!!!

Anonymous said...


Stephanie said...

Um. I can't tell all that much from the photos...

...but hey, you got a book out of it!

theotherbear said...

HAHAHA! That totally cracked me up. I snorted, loudly, at my desk in my open plan office. Nobody even flinched though, they are well used to strange noises coming from my area.

modernemama said...

That will always be your "special" knob. Embrace it. Take photos. Be proud.