It's not about the house.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Somehow, I Deserved This

So I dropped Johnny off at work this morning (yay!), and when I drop Johnny off at work in the morning, I don’t always get all the way dressed myself. Decent, yes. Decent enough so if the car breaks down I won’t humiliate myself in front of god and the AAA guy? Not so much.

It’s unseasonably hot this week here in Massachusetts. They’re predicting temperatures in the mid-90s. So, despite the fact that it’s the last week in September, I drove him to work this morning wearing my summer pjs: a ratty old t-shirt and a pair of Hanes-for-her cotton sleep shorts. No bra, no underwear, no problem – and no, Chuck (TFT) did not break down. He’s been playing his share of tricks lately, but we made it there and I made it back just fine.

Except for the fact that it took an hour and a half for what should have been a 30 minute drive. The g-d bridge was up. We left early because the sign said it was opening at 7:00 but the sign is never right and it opened at 6:40. So we had to go the long way around with everybody else in the entire universe, and by the time we got around to where we wanted to be on the other side (45 minutes, it took, to go essentially a mile and a half) the bridge was down again. Naturally. So we picked up all the just-coming-over traffic, too.

But that’s not the point of my story. I got home in plenty of time to shower and get to my dentist’s appointment. Phew. A quick pee before I get in the shower and –


What the hell was that? A penny? Where the hell did a penny come from? It couldn’t have fallen out of my pocket, I don’t have any pockets in these sleep shorts. Oh my god, it was stuck to my ass! It was on the car seat, and my shorts rode up, and I sat on it for an hour and a half, and Abe pushed his honest little face right into my butt cheek and stuck fast. I carried the copper in the house with me thusly – I even checked my email with it on there! – and then I carried it into the bathroom where it fell off when I sat down.

Nice. Lovely. Well, at least it didn’t—


What the hell was that? Another one!? What am I, a freaking change machine? This one, though, did not land on the tile. This one went in the drink. The head. The bog, the jakes, the crapper – and I’ve already peed.

I’ve heard of throwing money down the toilet but this is ridiculous. I don’t have time to deal with this right now. I lowered the lid to remind myself not to use or flush it, and I showered and dressed and went to get my tooth filled. Went to feed the cats. Went to pick up Johnny’s prescriptions. Went to fill the car with gas. Went to…

Anybody else need anything done while I’m out here doing things? Maybe that root canal? Or another big ship maybe needs to get under the bridge? I can sit here if you want to raise it, I don’t mind.

No? Crap.

So I came home and I checked for email and for comments on my blog (why didn’t any of you people write to me?!), and then I sucked it up and put on the rubber glove…

It’s done, it’s finished, and that’s all you need to know. There are no more pennies in my plumbing. Or in my posterior, thank you very much.

I imagine I deserved that, after the puerile post I wrote this morning. But the next time I have a dirty job like that to do, I’ll just close my eyes and think of – well, you know.

Not England, that's for bloody sure!


Sandy & Michael said...

I don't know how you managed to find the time to write two such entertaining posts in one day :) You make me laugh.
I think I would have just flushed, but that probably wouldn't be the smartest thing to do.


Tara said...

Does the EGE-ATM dispense paper money too?

Janice said...

speaking from experience (mother of three under three and all that), coins are too heavy to flush (in our NZ system anyway) and if you leave them there long enough (mother of three, etc) they can stain the enamel...

Leslie said...

oh god, oh god. This is why your blog is on my list of "things that keep me sane." Other than the maniacle laughter that burst out of me when I found out this afternoon that Von's dad just got put into a nursing home and isn't doing well so that we have to go up there this weekend, this is the first genuine smile and laugh I've had all day. THANK YOU.

And, uh... at least it wasn't crap in the crapper, kwim? Pee, in theory at least, is actually considered sterile. Imagine if you'd had a touch of the tummy bug...

jen said...

I just went on about how I was laughing and then it failed to publish and then "the webpage expired" Filthy bastards.
Heres hoping it works.
AND I would have LOOOOVED to comment. Damn the man!

cuz donna said...

hey at least you only had room on your rear to embed 2 cents. Mine could store enough to pay rent for a family of five...Ker ching! LOL you crack me up. Great post!

EGE said...

Sandy -- Well, to be honest I wrote the first one the night before. And the second one, let's just say I had a lot time in the dentist's chair to mentally compose.

Tara -- Alas, if it does, I never heard it land.

Janice -- Ah, so what you're saying is I could have flushed. Well, live and learn.

Leslie -- Sorry to hear about Von's dad. But know this: if there had been crap in the crapper, I'm pretty sure I would have flushed and taken my chances.

Jen -- That Man is hatin' on you!

And last but not least... Cuz Donna -- Trust me, I could store the bottle deposits for an entire case of beer on my behind -- in pennies! (Well, actually, now that I thnk about that practically, I probably couldn't. It's still funny, though.)