Somehow, I Deserved This

So I dropped Johnny off at work this morning (yay!), and when I drop Johnny off at work in the morning, I don’t always get all the way dressed myself. Decent, yes. Decent enough so if the car breaks down I won’t humiliate myself in front of god and the AAA guy? Not so much.

It’s unseasonably hot this week here in Massachusetts. They’re predicting temperatures in the mid-90s. So, despite the fact that it’s the last week in September, I drove him to work this morning wearing my summer pjs: a ratty old t-shirt and a pair of Hanes-for-her cotton sleep shorts. No bra, no underwear, no problem – and no, Chuck (TFT) did not break down. He’s been playing his share of tricks lately, but we made it there and I made it back just fine.

Except for the fact that it took an hour and a half for what should have been a 30 minute drive. The g-d bridge was up. We left early because the sign said it was opening at 7:00 but the sign is never right and it opened at 6:40. So we had to go the long way around with everybody else in the entire universe, and by the time we got around to where we wanted to be on the other side (45 minutes, it took, to go essentially a mile and a half) the bridge was down again. Naturally. So we picked up all the just-coming-over traffic, too.

But that’s not the point of my story. I got home in plenty of time to shower and get to my dentist’s appointment. Phew. A quick pee before I get in the shower and –

kerplink.

What the hell was that? A penny? Where the hell did a penny come from? It couldn’t have fallen out of my pocket, I don’t have any pockets in these sleep shorts. Oh my god, it was stuck to my ass! It was on the car seat, and my shorts rode up, and I sat on it for an hour and a half, and Abe pushed his honest little face right into my butt cheek and stuck fast. I carried the copper in the house with me thusly – I even checked my email with it on there! – and then I carried it into the bathroom where it fell off when I sat down.

Nice. Lovely. Well, at least it didn’t—

kerploosh.

What the hell was that? Another one!? What am I, a freaking change machine? This one, though, did not land on the tile. This one went in the drink. The head. The bog, the jakes, the crapper – and I’ve already peed.

I’ve heard of throwing money down the toilet but this is ridiculous. I don’t have time to deal with this right now. I lowered the lid to remind myself not to use or flush it, and I showered and dressed and went to get my tooth filled. Went to feed the cats. Went to pick up Johnny’s prescriptions. Went to fill the car with gas. Went to…

Anybody else need anything done while I’m out here doing things? Maybe that root canal? Or another big ship maybe needs to get under the bridge? I can sit here if you want to raise it, I don’t mind.

No? Crap.

So I came home and I checked for email and for comments on my blog (why didn’t any of you people write to me?!), and then I sucked it up and put on the rubber glove…

It’s done, it’s finished, and that’s all you need to know. There are no more pennies in my plumbing. Or in my posterior, thank you very much.

I imagine I deserved that, after the puerile post I wrote this morning. But the next time I have a dirty job like that to do, I’ll just close my eyes and think of – well, you know.

Not England, that's for bloody sure!