It's not about the house.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

A Firmer Step

We're not painting the door.

I know, I know! And do you want to know what's worse? JOHNNY was going to do it for me!

We went through this whole thought process that started with me wanting to get it hung before the family comes for opening day on Sunday, passed through the fact that this is the front door, practically in the living room, where everyone will always see it -- and ended with the conclusion that he's the professional and he really ought to be the one to tackle this job now that I was finished prepping it.

Huzzah! Right? I'm done! I don't have to ever think about this door again!

But then he really looked at it. And he started making "let's not paint it" noises.

And I said "I know, babe, I've been back and forth with that a hundred times myself. But I only stripped it with an eye toward painting it. It's not properly stripped and it has to get hung. I can't strip it any more, I can't face it any more. I've been yoked to this damn project long enough. We have to paint it."

"Bollocks," says Johnny. And then he -- with his guild-trained and Dublin-experienced, hundreds-of-years-of-painting-knowledge-behind-it eye -- observed something that sent spine-chilling images flashing through my diseased brain like the end of some cheeseball Agatha Christie movie.

Do you remember when I wrote this?:

I got dust everywhere. I had pink tears and pink boogers and pink toes and pink underpants – not to mention pink windowsills and floors. (you should remember, it was only like two days ago)

And this?:

When I hit this door with 750 degrees of heat gun, I got a yummy smell like at the fair. (This was longer ago, so here's the link, in case you don't remember)

And I never did write this part, but:

The cats have been hovering around the door ever since I finished sanding it. Sniffing it and searching around the hallway, looking all confused.

So do you know what Johnny said? Are you getting any ideas this from these hints? I feel like I want to have a contest about this, but I also feel like I want to tell...

Oh what the hell. Seems like Wednesday is turning into contest day around here; might's'well make it official. Call it the Humpday-Dumpday Who-Is-To-Be-Master Poem CONTEST:

What is it Johnny saw about the finish on this door that convinced him to convince me to keep it after all this bloody hell? You probably won't be able to google this one, but {see? I told you!} there are hints all over this post...

18 comments:

Tara said...

I KNEW it! In the door's previous life, it was actually the front door to the brightly painted caravan of a traveling circus clown. Said clown (when he wasn't hauling his butt out of a tiny VW bug with 50 of his other clown friends) was ALSO the cotton candy head chef and vendor. All of this cotton candy residue managed to adhere itself to the door of his caravan...where it provided a highly resilient and aromatic finish for many years... Am I close? Or am I merely the victim of too many door stripping fumes?

MP said...

I think you should win for the sheer inventiveness. But the caravan would have to be short enough to get under the barriers placed to keep the knackers out of the lay-by!

modernemama said...

Don't tell us you have a Rosewood front door - I am so jealous. If it is you have to stain it, it will be worth all the effort and look gorgeous.

EGE said...

Ha! Tara, you're a riot!

(Hi Mommie! way to make with the lay-by...)

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that, modernemama -- but no, it's not Rosewood (at least I don't think so; and that's not what I was going for, anyway).

Keep trying...

mp said...

I think dogwood! Get it the cats are curious!!! Dogwood. Hee hee

Tiny Tim said...

Is it Cedar?

Charlie said...

Yikes!
PLEASE tell me it is not lead based paint?

EGE said...

Oh, honey, it probably was lead paint, but that's not the point. I've been breathing lead paint for years. That's why I'm so smat...

Jen said...

I think, OBVIOUSLY, your door is made out of recycled ferris wheel parts filled with catnip and hamhocks. Duh.

Janice said...

uh, its made of baby pink diseased ox balls and spine cheese?

EGE said...

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have bolded the "cheese" part...

Sandy & Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sandy & Michael said...

I am totally bewildered, but enjoying the creative responses. Oxblood keeps coming to mind for some reason, either that or the door was actually encased in pigskin.
I think you need to close this contest and give us some satisfaction!

sandy

(sorry, spelling issues :)

Charlie said...

Okay
I am guessing the finish was some sort of animal (hoove) based product - don't worry I am pretty sure you can't get mad cow disease from hundred year old finish. Either than or the place was the scene of a particularly bloody murder by a crazy person (possibly of a child?)

EGE said...

Sorry, Charlie, Sandy & Michael were right about the ox blood...

But yes, it was mad cow to which I was referring when I said my diseased brain...

Charlie said...

I note that you don't deny the murder part...
has anyone actually laid eyes on Johnny recently????

Stephanie said...

Hoo, man. I always either A) Don't know the answer, or B) am late to the party.

In this case it's B, cause I'm an expert googler...and actually came to egg tempera first...but anyway.

I share this bit on how to MAKE the paint:

Strain out the lumps in the fresh blood by whipping it before use. Mix the blood with a paste made from red, black or other dark pigments,depending on the shade of colour you wish to reach.

EGE said...

Yay, Steph! You deserve honorable mention at least, for that one.

And don't worry -- just think, when you move Down Under, you'll just be getting home from work when I'm just waking up. You'll have a leg up on everybody!