It's not about the house.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Christmas Tree, Part 1: The Stand

Let me tell you about one of the smartest purchases I ever made – actually, probably the smartest purchase that I ever made – which is this Christmas tree stand in the shape of an old-fashioned sled.

The wooden parts are made of actual wood, and the metal parts (including the exactly-trunk-sized vessel where the water goes) are of painted wrought iron. Probably lead paint, but who cares? The thing measures 15”x24” and weighs – I made Johnny stand on the scale with it – just over nineteen pounds.

It has a jabber thing sticking up out of the bottom , so you don’t have to fuss with leaving space below the trunk so it can drink…

… and those one-inch lug nuts on all four sides are like little hands holding your tree steady all month long.

With this stand, a person could put the tree up by her lonesome if she has to (trust me, I have). It never leans as long as the screws are tight (trust me, I know). And once it’s up, you cannot knock it down (just trust me).

All a person has to do is slip the stand over the trunk while the tree lies on the porch (that trunk, by the way, is 5½” in diameter) …

… while keeping out a careful eye for Christmas ghosts:

Jeebers, I hope that one didn’t get inside while the door was open!

Then lift the whole thing up, carry it into the living room, and set it down. A little butter on your hands to get the pitch off, and voilá!

(That tree's smaller than I usually like, but que será. You will notice I put the tree skirt underneath the stand. Don't want to mar up those refinished floors!)

No more swearing, fighting, sweating. No more toppling trees, screws in the floor, or fishing-wire strung from every wall. No more anything, for that matter, associated with putting up the Christmas Tree except for Ho-Ho Harmony and Merry Cheer.

Best. Marital Aid. Ever.

I wish I could tell you where to get your very own, but I got mine almost ten years ago. Whatever third-world orphans had a hand in crafting it are probably long dead by now. And I do know that it was made by third-world orphans because, you see, I paid just fifteen dollars for it.

Saved us probably thousands in couple’s therapy.


Next: Lights!

4 comments:

su said...

tiz a beautiful tree and why ever would you cover that kitchey stand with the skirt?

su said...

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/hsh/495011051.html
Hey I found one for sale on craig's list if anyone is interested.

Ladyscot said...

When my daughter was little, my (ex-)husband cut a piece of plywood into a octagonal shape and bolted our run-of-the-mill tree stand to the middle of it. Worked great at keeping the tree from toppling. Have to admit, though, that it wasn't as cute as your sled.

Amy Turn Sharp said...

that is LOVELY! I adore it!