It's not about the house.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Name! That! Radiator!

You know those ads that have been running on the side there for a couple months? For, like, cereal and stuff? Well, I got my first check from them yesterday. Turns out three months' worth of cereal is worth exactly thirty dollars and sixty-six cents. I am wealthy.

But it's December 5th, so close to the end of the year that I'm already thinking about taxes, and I don't want to have to deal with this. And then I realized: if I have a REAL, LIVE, ACTUAL, FOR-SOMETHING CONTEST, and if I blow the whopping lot on you-all, it would be like the income never happened!

Now, I could have sent you money. But that isn't any fun. I could have got a gift card somewhere. But how do I know where you like to shop? And I couldn't very well ship you a case of beer. So...

This is a bag of toys.


They're not expensive toys, or big toys, but they're fun. I actually only spent $26 -- I saved the balance out to cover shipping -- and I got them here, so you know they're good. Every single one of them will remind you a little bit of me.

Uh-oh. Hey kitty, don't!

Okay. Well. So now the bag's a little squished.

The toys inside are fine, though. Moving on...

Are you ready to find out what the actual contest is at last? Did you read the title of this post?

That's right, John Henry has a hammerin' friend. I mentioned him the other day, in a post in that may or may not have referred to him as "fiend." He needs a name.
Here's what you need to know about him: he hammers. Not as badly as John Henry, but pretty powerfully nonetheless. He's a big 'un, too: about 42" from knobby-thing to steam-whatever. That arrow is pointing to the pan that lives beneath him because he also leaks. That's not really the point, though. He's in the hallway that I stained and varnished the woodwork on last summer. I was going to put a picture in here to remind you, but it made me sad to see how clean it used to be. If you want to be sad too, you can see it here. And the paintbrushes have nothing to do with this, Johnny just leaves them there to dry.

That's it! Give John Henry's friend a name! Enter as many times as you want. Use any of the above information or none of it. Remember who your audience is: obscure references make me smile, but so do poop jokes -- so I guess you're on your own as far as what to do with that "audience" advice. The contest will remain open until I close it, and I won't know when that'll be until I see how many entries come rolling in. Or don't.

I'll give you a least a few hours warning before I close the contest. Then I'll take a day or so to mull it over, choose my favorite, and send the winner out that groovy bag of toys.

I'll even throw in one of these, because that's the kind of gal I am.

But the winner will be responsible for turning it rightways themselves.


Poppo said...

The radiators name is "JACK"!! (you know jackhammer)

MD said...

I say Jack shit Or maybe
Jack Piss you know the pan underneath!

Leslie said...

Thor, after the Norse god of Thunder. Or Mjolnir, after his hammer. Or Thrud or Magni after his daughter or son. Maybe even Jarnsaxa after his mistress (Jarni, for short?). Or Loki, who tried to help overthrow Thor (and since the radiator is driving you loco).

Rhea said...

Harvey Wallbanger said...

Lars as in Lars the drummer from Metallica.

John Henry & Lars. It works. I'm tellin''s Lars.

Could be worse, I could suggest the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard but I can't remember his name.

Leslie said...

Some additional options:

Spike, since that was what JH was hammering.

Leadbelly, Pete (after Pete Seegar), or Woody (Guthrie), after folks who are known for singing John Henry songs (I'd add Johnny Cash to that list but you already have a Johnny and that would be confusing).

Leslie said...

fyi Def Leppard's one-armed drummer is Rick Allen.

And I ventured to google "Irish hammer" to see what it might lead to, but the urban dictionary's definition was clearly not family-friendly, and the other main result was for a drink called the Irish Hammer, which didn't offer much in terms of name options unless you wanted to name it Bourbon.

How about Irish words for "hammer"? My online Irish-English dictionary tells me that "casúr" is the noun, "gread" is the verb form, and "greadadh" means hammering.

Khurston said...

Rocky - you know, John Henry - "he breaks rocks!"

Ladyscot said...

In the spirit of the season...Drummer Boy.

jm_houseinprogress said...

MC Hammer

Maxwell (think of The Beatles)

Sistah Sledge


jm_houseinprogress said...

Actually, it would be

Maxwell Edison

not just Maxwell.

Or, you could name it Armand.

Stephanie said...

Hank Heywood!

Okay, I've nerded out on you, but here's why. Scroll down to read how John Henry is related. If you have a smaller one, she's obviously called Natasha.

Anonymous said...

Iron Maiden

because she's made of...iron.

JE said...

damn! that Iron Maiden comment was me.


Ladyscot said...

I know this doesn't techically belong here, but my brother-in-law, wanted to weigh in on the how-to-fix-the-radiator blog, and I don't know how these things work, so don't know if you know when comments are added to old posts.

"My thought is that there is water in the radiator and it sounds like it is not draining back to the furnace. Making sure the radiator is tipped towards the inlet pipe might help, (This should be permanent pitch not just a pick up the end for a minute type thing.) May need to be taken apart at the valve connection and clean the sludge out. The other thing is to check the pitch on the pipe back to the furnace. Having the vent valve working properly may contribute to the problem.

The leak in the radiator is probably a leaking nipple between sections. We used to take them apart and replace them but don't know if the parts are available any more."
I know he is a little late to the game, but he is from a plumbing family and knows what he is doing!

'phaz said...

Henry Louis "Hank" Aaron...

Poppo said...

Well John Henry needs a partner and Theo is pretty obvious since he owns a few big hammers himself ei: Big Pappi, Manny, Mike Lowell. Unless he trades Jacoby, then forget his name!!!

Khurston said...

Hammy Hammerson
no wait
Bangy Bangerson!

Muskego Jeff said...

"Sue", as a reference to "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash, who obviously also had a song about John Henry.

From the song:
"He was big and bent and gray and old,
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold"


"Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do."

Case closed.

Janet said...

Stanley (as in Stanley hammers)

braveheart said...

Paul Bunyon

(Spoken Intro: You know, American folk lore is filled with legendary
characters like Billy the Kid, Johnny Appleseed, Pecos Bill and probably
the greatest one of all has got to be Paul Bunyan 'cause he was the meanest
and the biggest and the dirtiest and the tobacco-chewingest and the funkiest
and the best wood chopper of all of 'em.)

Well, he rode through the woods on a big blue ox.
He had fists as hard as chopping blocks.
Five hundred pounds and nine feet tall.
That's Paul.

Talk about working, when he swang his ax.
You could hear it ring for a mile and a half.
Then he'd yell, "Timber!" and down she'd fall
For Paul.

Talk about drinking, that man's so mean
That he'd never drink nothing but kerosene.
A five gallon can is a little bit small
For Paul.

Talk about women, that man's so lusty,
He needs a woman every hour
Just to keep from gettin' rusty.
Young ones run, and the old ones crawl
To Paul.

Talk about tough, well he once had a fight
With a thunderstorm on a cold dark night.
I ain't saying who won, but it don't storm at all 'round here
Thanks to Paul.

He was ninety years old when he said with a sigh
He said, "I think I'm gonna lay right down and die.
The sunshine and sorrow, I seen it all."
Says Paul.

Says, "There ain't no man alive can kill me,
Ain't no woman left can thrill me
And I think that heaven just might be a ball,"
Says Paul.

So he died and we cried.
It took eighteen men just to bust the ground.
Took three or four more just to lower him down,
And we covered him up and we figured that was all
For Paul.

But late one night the trees started shaking
And the dogs started barking and the earth started quaking,
And out of the ground with a "Hi, y'all!"
Came Paul.

Well, he shook the dirt from off of his clothes.
He scratched his ass and wiped his nose.
"You know, being dead wasn't no fun at all,"
Says Paul.

He said, "Now, up in heaven they got harps on their knees,
They got clouds and wings but they got no trees,
I don't think that's much of a heaven at all,"
Says Paul.

So he jumps on his ox with a "Fare thee well!"
He said, "I'll find out if they got trees in hell."
He rode away and that was all.
We ever seen of Paul.

But the next time you hear a timber yell
That sounds like it's coming from the pits of hell,
Then a booming laugh and a ghostly wail
Like somebody chopping on the devil's tail,
Then a shout and a call, a crash and a fall,
That ain't no mortal man at all.
That's just Paul.

-- Shel Silverstein from Bobby Bare's 1973 album, "Lullabys, Legends and

su said...

ok so handling on to popo and his heritage..... I say
Lumberjack hammer! only the Albananians will understand! said...

Per "The Fiance" you must name it "Steam Hammer" to go with John Henry. He was rather adament.

Leslie said...

How about "Justice" as in "it's a hammer of..."?

And just to let you know, V has enthusiastically agreed to truly savor and deeply appreciate the peppermint peeps, should we win, since I'm an unamerican heathen for not liking peeps or peppermin. After all, V's a certified flag-on-the-front porch, flag-pin-on-the-starched-uniform, all-american peeps-and-peppermint-loving law-enforcement officer (though still a liberal democrat, thank goodness!).

cuz donna said...

"Holy Sh*T,That M**th*r F**c*er, B**t*as*, Hammerin' wrinkled ugly Iron Piece of SH*T" has to keep me up AGAIN! F**K this S**t, I'm shutting your relentless a** off....If I had a sledge hammer right now...I'd take a F'in facial! HAVE YOU NO MERCY!

3 poopie references and 3 bonus F bombs...and I know you, you said worse at 2am!

Charlie said...


Khurston said...

Actually if Johnny Cash had a song about jJohn Henry, you should call it Johnny, just so you can wake up at 2am and scream “G*DAMM!T JOHNNY KNOCK IT OFF!” should be good for a nice fight or two as he tries to figure out what the hell he did.
Hee. I’m done. Sorry couldn’t come up with anything any cleverer. I like Donna’s though. I vote for her.

Robert said...

I'm thinking John Henry's friend is sort of a sidekick. Sancho Pounder

Amy Turn Sharp said...

my choices are bollocks,
wankerbox, and bang bang.

je said...

hey, I'm trying that tipping the radiator thingy from ladyscot's brother-in-law. the radiator in my bedroom is the loudest one in the friggin house!

jen said...

I feel bad because I believe I have missed this. Plus, I am just spent...nothing NOTHING comes to mind! Der to me. BUT...I love Harvey Wallbanger...That one was my favorite. give out presents, and you get 4 million comments!! Ha!

theotherbear said...

I would call it Henry John. Yep, I'm afraid that's all I got.

I do love the earlier suggestion to call it Johnny. heh.