Ten Random Thoughts Before I Go Back in the Chair

Hey look! There's a REAL, FOR-SOMETHING CONTEST at the end of this random post! Where did that come from?

1. If you walk away for one second and come back to find your cat licking your keyboard, does that mean: a) Your keyboard is and always has been made of chicken guts, b) You spilled a drop of coffee on the numbers-end of it yesterday and now he thinks there might be a secret well of same beneath the keys, or c) Your cat is and always has been a total moron.

2. Last night, Dirty Jobs re-ran the Shark Week episode in which DB spends a half an hour wearing nothing but wet swim trunks. I? Opted to watch The Grinch instead. Oddly, I'm taking this as a sign of emotional maturity. Also, I didn't know about the Dirt Man until the Grinch was almost over.

3. I mailed off some packages of Christmas Peeps a few weeks ago to some folks who seemed to need them. The package to Worcester, MA got there in two days. The one to Michigan got there in three. The last one arrived in Australia -- that's right, I said Australia -- yesterday. I believe that the Postal Service is one of the miracles of the modern world, and I say that without any wise-assitude or irony. Pay 'em eleven dollars and in a week and a half those Peppermint Peeps are on the other side of the freakin' planet, bringing a little taste of home to a girl who's Very Far Away. If that ain't a Christmas Miracle, I don't know what is.

4. I mailed Josie's Christmas pudding to I Love Upstate at the same time. I don't know when she got it, but she wrote about it yesterday. (If you follow that link you have to promise to skip past the "bursting with diarrhea" part -- that has absolutely nothing to do with me or Josie's pudding. I swear to god.) When she wrote that it was my "mother-in-law's recipe," my first thought was "No it isn't, it's Josie's." And then I remembered: Oh yeah, married, now...

5. I got home last night and Andy was passed out on my couch. After we ate and put on our pyjamas , he woke up wanting pizza (oh, sure, decide to order -- and pay for -- a pizza AFTER I've stuffed myself on leftover squash stew). Andy doesn't like to call for delivery for some reason, so he went out in the cold to pick his pizza up. When he came back, he had two boxes in his hand -- one pizza, and one decidedly non-. He said: "This was left out on the front step with your name on it." Immediately, I thought it was going to turn out to be poo or something else Andy would think is just hysterical, but it was not. It was from Peep Friend #3. Not only did she get my package, but she sent me something beau-tee-ful in return. Something her sister-in-law's mother-in-law made. How's that for Christmas Cheer!?

6. On the same day I mailed those Peeps and puddings, I also mailed the prize from my Radiator-Naming Contest. Peeps got around the world, pudding got to Upstate New York, a present got back to me from Michigan -- and still I haven't heard from Eliphaz. Not about the fact that he's the winner of the contest. Not about the box of toys I sent him without showing any of them to y'all because I didn't want to make him wait a moment longer. Not about nuthin'. This, after I fretted for days over whether I ought to let him win at all because I've known him my entire life and everything. Phooey. Phooey on 'Phaz, I say. He's not eligible for any contests, anymore.

7. Unless, maybe the Postal Miracle failed me this one time? Maybe that box-o-toys is in limbo out there somewhere, hoping against hope to make it to the Land of Misfits before Santa comes along?

8. Ah well. I'm off to yet another dental appointment. I've promised to compose a dirty ditty for Robert while I'm in the chair, because he of all people recognized the Thelma & Louise quote that I used for a blog post title yesterday. But -- because I'm feeling all Christmasy with Spirits -- if any of y'all want to whip out a haiku or a limerick or a single dactyl about Eliphaz and the Lost Toys, I'll pick my favorite and send you something good. I don't know what yet, but I'll get it at the same store I got the box-o-toys.

9. Whatever it is, I promise that it won't be there in time for Christmas.

10. And 'Phaz ain't eligible. Phooey on him.

Have fun!