It's not about the house.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Christmas Tree, Part 2: The Lights

You already know the Murphy’s laws about the lights. That they’re going to be tangled when you take them out, no matter how carefully you packed them up last year. Although mine weren’t. That, inevitably, one strand will fail to work and you’ll have to drop the project in the middle and run out to the CVS for more. Although I picked up my spare set in November. And that you’re either going to end up with a bare foot and a half at the top of the tree, or else six extra feet of twinklies hanging down the back. Although, somehow, mine always seems to come out exactly right.

Since you know all this already, and since I'm so gosh-darn Christmas-perfect, I thought I’d go ahead and share my – I mean, Prudence and Goody’s – Six Important Rules Regarding Lights on the AssVac’s Christmas Tree:

1. They are white. Period.

2. And they are small. Big bulbs are for retro-kitsch and airport runways only. Maybe an EZ-Bake oven, if you get your mom’s okay.

3. For thirty-eight years I’ve been dying to tell you what you can do with the red-tipped bulb that makes the whole thing blink as if it were endeavoring to spell out “Live Nude Girls.” And now… well, being a Christmas woman, I can’t say it!

3. Lights go all the way around the tree – 360 degrees, even if it’s in a corner. Trust me. You can tell.

4. And they go all the way inside. I’m talking trunk-deep. That sucker should sparkle from within.

5. Never, never, never string them in patterns like a garland.

6. And last but not least: don’t be stingy…

…there are upwards of 900 bulbs on that seven-foot fir.

I do wish it was eight-foot, though. But if it were, I suppose I would’ve had to run out to the drugstore after all. Then I would not be quite so Christmas-perfect.

And you would not be nearly so impressed.

Next: Garland!


Amy Turn Sharp said...

yr rules are spot on!

su said...

My friend Bill was able to strip the plastic off of the lights where they stopped lighting and they are like a fluff wire... Totally not copper or metal. we tied the "fluff "together and taped then and Voila it lit. Also I suggest buying a ton of lights after Christmas and dumping this year's lights in the trash

Charlie said...

Sigh! You are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong!
1. They are colored. Period.
2. They are large. Not the ginormous goes-on-the-outside-of-the-house large, but large. About 1 inch, I guess. Because....
3. You can have individually twinkly lights. So your tree can have ~ 5-6 twinkly lights in various colors. Way better than either all-or-none.
4. At least you are right about this - except that you apparently can't count.
5. Nope, they go at the edge, not the very edge, but maybe 4-5 inches in, but generally more towards the edge than the center
6. Garland is tacky.
7. Last, but not least, be stingy...Santa does not need a runway (as I believe you alluded to in #1) . If you can read by the light of your tree...way too many.

Merry Christmas

su said...

I say more lights and easy on the ornaments, unless it is, of course, the year of the paper ribbon which the family referred to as the "toilet paper" on the tree.
I have come to realize that it is truly regional with preference.

EGE said...

Hm. I guess I can't count.

So it's SEVEN rules.

And I'm still perfect.

And Mommie Dearest still has to lay off the egg nog.

Jennifer said...

You are so right! You hit EVERY on of my tree lights peeves and praises right on!

cake said...


- Lights should go all around the tree.
- Lights should go right to the trunk.
- Ornaments too, by the way...all the way around and right to the trunk. No excuses!


- Only white!?! Crazy American!

Okay, so I just love Christmas lights, white and/or long as they aren't pink, we're good.

braveheart said...

awesome stand. I WANT ONE!