We Have A Winner!

This. Was. Hard.

I forgot when I declared this contest that I would have to make decisions and be responsible and stuff.

I liked a lot of your suggestions: Jack (and his Albanian cousin, Lumberjack), Thor, Lars, Stanley, Drummer Boy, Hammy Hammerson and/or Bangy Bangerson, Sancho Pounder, Wankerbox – these are all really, really good.

(With apologies to The Fiance, however, it was a steam drill John Henry battled, not a hammer. And if I did name this one after that, well, one of them would be bound to kill the other. Can't have that.)

The first name that made me laugh out loud was Harvey Wallbanger, suggested by Rhea. It was entry #4 and, to be honest, I sort of might have actually declared it the winner as soon as it came in. But … I had an English teacher in high school named Harvey, and Harvey was kind of a perv. Not in a libelous, laying-hands-on kind of way, just in a really-enjoyed-teaching-Lysistrata-and-making-sure-we-understood-the-subtext-of-Billy-Budd kind of way. When the radiator woke me at two in the morning, the idea of ol’ Harvey lurking in the hall outside my bedroom made me feel a little dirty, so I had to let him go.

(For the record, we loved our pervy little Harv. Still do. He isn’t teaching anymore; he’s writing now. Which only goes to prove his disturbedness, I guess. You could find him if you googled, but you can’t because I’m not telling his last name. I’ve got to draw the indiscretionary line at some point, don’t I?)

Next, I fell in love with Maxwell, suggested by JM. It, too, was going to be the winner, and Johnny and I walked around for a couple hours singing “Bang, bang, Maxwell Silverhammer came down upon her head.” Until I checked the lyrics and realized it’s supposed to be “Maxwell’s silver hammer.” Der. Then JM clarified to add a last name, Wilson, and I don’t know who that is. Johnny says maybe the song was based on a true story and that was the real guy’s name? But I can’t verify that anywhere and besides, if it were true: would you name your daughter Lizzie Borden?

I liked the Iron Maiden, both for the implication that the radiator is an instrument of torture and for JE’s assumption that she is a girl. Which had honestly never occurred to me. Girls are usually so dainty. Like me. But this one pees all over the floor, so I just have to assume this one’s a guy.

I certainly appreciated Braveheart’s quoting Shel Silverstein’s entire Paul Bunyan song and Muskego Jeff’s quoting parts of Shelby’s Sue song (though you didn’t know he wrote that, did you, Jeff?), but Paul Bunyan was really more of an axeman than a hammerer, and the whole reason Sue was so mean in the first place was because they named him Sue. I don’t need to be bringing that kind of karma down on my own head (bang, bang).

And so, at long last, we get to it:

The runner up is Cuz Donna’s “Holy Sh*T,That M**th*r F**c*er, B**t*as*, Hammerin' wrinkled ugly Iron Piece of SH*T has to keep me up AGAIN! F**K this S**t, I'm shutting your relentless a** off....If I had a sledge hammer right now...I'd take a F'in facial! HAVE YOU NO MERCY!” It has such music to it. It very nearly won. Choosing it, however, would involve memorizing it, and in the end I wasn’t sure I could get the whole thing out at two o'clock in the morning.

The name I finally chose, I agonized over actually choosing. Because I know the person who suggested it, and I really, really wanted to send my bag of toys out to a stranger. But in the end I knew this would have been the winner if I’d been able to see the entries without their entrants' names, so it was only fair. Maybe next time I’ll figure out a way to do it like that. And oh yes, there will be a next time, even if I never get another advertising check. Because this was altogether too much fun. Don't you agree?

So oh yeah, you want to know who won, don’t you?

It’s Hank Aaron! Yay ‘Phaz! I liked the American Legend part of it. I like that he’s called Hammerin’ Hank, for heaven’s sake. I like the symmetry of having a Henry in one room and a Hank in the other. I like that he played for the Braves – who used to be in Boston, even if they weren’t when he played for them – and I like that it makes the AssVac the Home of a Brave, which is kind of nice.

So what do you guys think? Should I post later and show you all what he’s getting? Or should I just let it be a surprise?