It's not about the house.

Friday, December 7, 2007

We Have A Winner!

This. Was. Hard.

I forgot when I declared this contest that I would have to make decisions and be responsible and stuff.

I liked a lot of your suggestions: Jack (and his Albanian cousin, Lumberjack), Thor, Lars, Stanley, Drummer Boy, Hammy Hammerson and/or Bangy Bangerson, Sancho Pounder, Wankerbox – these are all really, really good.

(With apologies to The Fiance, however, it was a steam drill John Henry battled, not a hammer. And if I did name this one after that, well, one of them would be bound to kill the other. Can't have that.)

The first name that made me laugh out loud was Harvey Wallbanger, suggested by Rhea. It was entry #4 and, to be honest, I sort of might have actually declared it the winner as soon as it came in. But … I had an English teacher in high school named Harvey, and Harvey was kind of a perv. Not in a libelous, laying-hands-on kind of way, just in a really-enjoyed-teaching-Lysistrata-and-making-sure-we-understood-the-subtext-of-Billy-Budd kind of way. When the radiator woke me at two in the morning, the idea of ol’ Harvey lurking in the hall outside my bedroom made me feel a little dirty, so I had to let him go.

(For the record, we loved our pervy little Harv. Still do. He isn’t teaching anymore; he’s writing now. Which only goes to prove his disturbedness, I guess. You could find him if you googled, but you can’t because I’m not telling his last name. I’ve got to draw the indiscretionary line at some point, don’t I?)

Next, I fell in love with Maxwell, suggested by JM. It, too, was going to be the winner, and Johnny and I walked around for a couple hours singing “Bang, bang, Maxwell Silverhammer came down upon her head.” Until I checked the lyrics and realized it’s supposed to be “Maxwell’s silver hammer.” Der. Then JM clarified to add a last name, Wilson, and I don’t know who that is. Johnny says maybe the song was based on a true story and that was the real guy’s name? But I can’t verify that anywhere and besides, if it were true: would you name your daughter Lizzie Borden?

I liked the Iron Maiden, both for the implication that the radiator is an instrument of torture and for JE’s assumption that she is a girl. Which had honestly never occurred to me. Girls are usually so dainty. Like me. But this one pees all over the floor, so I just have to assume this one’s a guy.

I certainly appreciated Braveheart’s quoting Shel Silverstein’s entire Paul Bunyan song and Muskego Jeff’s quoting parts of Shelby’s Sue song (though you didn’t know he wrote that, did you, Jeff?), but Paul Bunyan was really more of an axeman than a hammerer, and the whole reason Sue was so mean in the first place was because they named him Sue. I don’t need to be bringing that kind of karma down on my own head (bang, bang).

And so, at long last, we get to it:

The runner up is Cuz Donna’s “Holy Sh*T,That M**th*r F**c*er, B**t*as*, Hammerin' wrinkled ugly Iron Piece of SH*T has to keep me up AGAIN! F**K this S**t, I'm shutting your relentless a** off....If I had a sledge hammer right now...I'd take a F'in facial! HAVE YOU NO MERCY!” It has such music to it. It very nearly won. Choosing it, however, would involve memorizing it, and in the end I wasn’t sure I could get the whole thing out at two o'clock in the morning.

The name I finally chose, I agonized over actually choosing. Because I know the person who suggested it, and I really, really wanted to send my bag of toys out to a stranger. But in the end I knew this would have been the winner if I’d been able to see the entries without their entrants' names, so it was only fair. Maybe next time I’ll figure out a way to do it like that. And oh yes, there will be a next time, even if I never get another advertising check. Because this was altogether too much fun. Don't you agree?

So oh yeah, you want to know who won, don’t you?

It’s Hank Aaron! Yay ‘Phaz! I liked the American Legend part of it. I like that he’s called Hammerin’ Hank, for heaven’s sake. I like the symmetry of having a Henry in one room and a Hank in the other. I like that he played for the Braves – who used to be in Boston, even if they weren’t when he played for them – and I like that it makes the AssVac the Home of a Brave, which is kind of nice.

So what do you guys think? Should I post later and show you all what he’s getting? Or should I just let it be a surprise?


su said...

well I say take pictures but don't post til after the susprise arrives at it's new home

Rhea said...

I swear I was THIS CLOSE to saying 'Hammering Hank'. I'm not kidding. Consolation prize?

je said...

I also had a reservation about assuming the radiator was female but peed on the floor. Incongruous.

braveheart said...

I had you singing the whole of Paul, smiling and remembering when you sang it in grade school (but maybe without that stanza about Paul havin' all those women, wheew). So, you can be tellin us what's in the wee toy sack.

su said...

Do you know that Grampy ferg's friend Jim Wilson(who pitched the ONLY no hit no run ballgame in 1954) played for the Braves and was from Springfield?

EGE said...

If I don't hear from 'Phaz soon, I'm going to post pictures.

And Rhea -- next time, say ALLof your ideas! I'm not so popular that I have to restrict people to one entry. Yet.

"Phaz said...

Yay 4 me!
I'd like to thank all the little people who helped make this possible.
My mum my dad, my sisters, and of course my beautiful wife without whose love and loyalty I'd never have believed in myself enough to be here today.
Let's see...My cat Emma (Bugsy) for throwing up on the bedspread at 3 AM and inspiring me to be at the PC instead of asleep to begin with (She sounded a lot like the old Heinz "Keg "o" Ketchup" bottle when you hit the bottom to unstick it)...
It just goes to show that if you want something badly enough and you cling to those dreams in spite of all the times they seem so distant and unreachable, then maybe someday it'll be you that is honored at the unveiling of the mural depicting the heroic struggle of the little guys to finish the mural.

...I've never won anything before... ;)

Thanks for the toys!!! They arrived yesterday, -love the cap torpedo and the shroom 'specially
-Emma is fascinated most of all by the concept of a paper bag that smells like, could it be? Yes, it most assuredly smells like boy butt!!!

jm_houseinprogress said...

I LOVE Hank Aaron. What a great name!

(Did I write Wilson? I'm an idiot. I meant Edison. Maxwell Edison. Which was Maxwell's real name in the song. I'm a dope. A very sleep deprived dope.)