Which Way the Wind?

Well, so I went to Blowe’s. And it didn’t Blow. So, for this post (and this post only) I will refer to them by their proper name.

Home Depot.

No, I’m kidding. It was Lowe’s. And they were really nice and really helpful. All of them. Eight employees all together helped me find what I was looking for. Or, rather, helped me not find what I was looking for – but we’ll get to that bit in a minute.

I decided to leave the crutches in the car. I can get around without them now, although it’s slow and it hurts, but it’s extremely difficult getting around in public with them, and I am not the sort of person who asks for help. I am the person who will pull into the gas station to check her map, rather than open her window and ask the attendant. You should have seen me crutching around the grocery store the other day, bumping the cart along with my pelvis, because I was too stubborn to use one of those little motor scooters. Finally a kind stranger suggested that I use one, and I lied and said there weren’t any, so she made me promise to wait there in the aisle until she went and asked a manager. Who of course pointed to them right by the door where they always are. I would have done the skedaddle on her, too, but I could not crutch fast enough. And then I wound up buying four bags of cat litter I didn’t need because I was embarrassed to drive my scooter out of there with nothing but a twelve-pack of IPA and a two-pound bag of M&Ms. But I digress…

So first, I entreatied the greeter at the door. Even this is not like me. Usually I’m standing in the aisle for an hour and a half, saying “No thanks, I’m all set!” to every employee who comes along, until finally I give up and go home and give the store a mean nickname like Blowe’s. But this time I deigned to ask. “Could you help me,” I said, “find someone who could help me find a screw just like this one I have here in this baggy?”

He left his station and tried to help me find the screw himself. When he couldn’t, he told me to stay put and went to get the hardware guy. Three hardware guys came to me, all agreeing that they didn’t carry screws like that at all. Rats. Well, perhaps I could buy just one entire steam vent, then?

The four of them agreed I should check in plumbing.

On my slow, painful way to there (I was in aisle 52, headed for 17), I noticed I was passing “Fashion Bath.” This is where I’ll get my shower-curtain rod. I stopped to read all the words on all the signs, so as to choose my aisle carefully and not have to waste a step. An employee saw me wobbling, looking confused, and asked if she could help. I said what I was looking for, she told me where to go, checked with another guy to be sure she was right, then raced ahead of me down the aisle to make certain for herself.

On my way out, using the cheapiest, crappiest shower rod they carry as a makeshift walking cane, I was greeted by this clerk again.

Did you find what you were looking for, she asked.

Yes thank you, I replied, hobbling on my determined way to aisle 17.

Is there something else you need?

Oh what the hell. I pulled my baggie from my pocket and told her the whole story. Another guy was rushing by, not even in a uniform, and she accosted him. He said he knew just what I needed and right where it was and he, too, rushed ahead to get it for me. When I caught up with him, though, he was still looking. He told me to wait right there and he would ask someone who knew better. He was just a district manager, not entirely familiar with each inch of every store.

Here is where I realized I’d left the crutches in the car, and that these people were being so helpful just because they were. I have never once in a billion visits had this experience at Bl— sorry, Lowe’s. But then, it’s only occurring to me now, maybe it had something to do with the fact that the District Manager was in the house?

Anyway, he came back to tell me the good news was that he hadn’t been looking in the wrong place. This was the aisle where it would be, if they carried it. But they do not. He asked me where I lived and I told him, and he told me to go to Ace Hardware, they have everything.

Thanks, Lowe’s District Manager!


I didn’t go to Ace, I did something else instead. I came home and I hung the curtain rod and I tried to fix the heat, but now I have a whole other dilemma that I’ll have to tell you about later, because I don’t have time to tell you about it now. I have to brush and floss and find a freakin’ bra so my tits don’t wind up around my ears while I’m in the dentist’s chair.

Yes, I went to Blowe's without a bra on. So?