Day 38: I Think We're A-Gonna Hafta Paint 'Er

Number one and first of all: I was right. And we all know that is the most important thing.

Darker don’t do diddly.

I bought the darkest Minwax stain I could find in the wee-sized pot. “Dark Walnut.” They didn’t have a sample of it, and you know you can never trust those pictures on the can, but what the hell. I figured I was giving this one final shot – one final half-assed shot, I should say – and then it would be latex time.

(For a moment, actually, I did find myself contemplating Minwax water-based latex wood stain instead of wood sealer, but when it dawned on me there was probably a reason Johnny never uses it I dropped it like a hot potato. Not so much because of whatever the door might turn out looking like – because seriously, how much worse could it get? – but because I wouldn’t know how to answer the inevitable “Why did you buy that?” with anything other than “Um, because?”)

Something must have come over me, because when I got home I actually tested it on the spine of the door before slathering all over, and I was taken aback by just how dark it was. But when I ragged it off it was nowhere near as shocking, so I figured (say it with me) what the hell.

Ooh, I just realized I never did finish slathering the spine. Oh well, it’s going to be painted anyway. I think.

Number two is that I was right again: taking the door off the hinges to do this really was a good idea. You can’t get the brush all the way to the bottom and have a dropcloth on the floor at the same time. And you can’t get the edges without freaking out about getting Dark Walnut on the Puritan Pine doorjamb. Well, maybe Johnny could, but not me.

Oh, also, don’t do this:

Fortunately drips of stain wipe up off finished wood floors real easy – right up until they’re almost all the way dried up!

Oh, and apparently all my loud brushing roused this cranky-ass spider, because I was about two minutes in when all of a sudden he went trouncing and swearing down the big front panel. (“Stupid woman. Always trying to get shit done. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”)

I should have squished him right then and there, but I was wise enough (for once) to not make any sudden movements with a pot of stain hanging from my arm. Also, for some reason (what is happening to me?), my first thought was to get the camera. For you lot. Because that’s the kind of gal I am.

Except by the time I got the camera and turned it on and put the flash on and waited for the little green flash-light to light up, he was almost off the door. So I took his picture quick:

Okay it turns out I didn’t need the flash. And by the time I shut it off and did it wrong and took another picture just like this one and then finally really-really shut the flash off, he was really-really gone.

Except he wasn’t. Because when I opened up the door to get at all the edges, he said “Why thank you very much,” and marched right in.

Number three, I think, is that the Dark Walnut looked lovely when I first lashed it on:

But when I ragged it off, the horror…

Unless number three is really that I was right again somehow I haven't figured out yet. Which I figure that I must be. Because I usually am.

(Goody's still all a-swoon over Esquire's John Edwards story I posted about yesterday, so I can get away with things like that.)

Day 38: Accomplished
Time: I really have to start paying attention to these things. Let’s say 30 minutes, including Lowe’s and clean up. Oh no wait. Clean up. Let’s say 45.
Cost: $3.66 for the stain
What To Do With An Obstreperously Piebald Portico: Paint 'er.